Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Matthews Could Replace Rather: Bloomberg

In the surest sign yet that the folks at Bloomberg are completely insane, they list Chris Matthews as a potential replacement for Dan Rather. Ignoring the fact that he's signed through 2008, what viewer wouldn't like having the day's headlines shouted to them while they attempt to force down their Swanson Hungry Man?

The FCC Finally Goes Too Far

OK, Janet Jackson's Nip Slip was at least arguably wrong. The Desperate Housewives/Monday Night Football skit was, at best, a cry for help. But now one of the finest shows ever created is being censored further, fearing the iron hand of the FCC. We're talking, of course, about Bobby Goldstein's reality masterpiece, Cheaters.

What kind of country do we live in when we can no longer, unencumbered, watch Bobby-Sue pummel and curse out her boyfriend Cooter as she catches him waist deep in cuckold love with 300-lb Shaniqua?

Could They Cover Her Face Next Time?

Isrealis freak out when the wildly overrated Sarah Jessica Parker shows some skin. Guess her butterface ain't a problem?

Quivers to Stick With Stern; Laughter Cues Saved Forever

Now, superagent Don Buchwald says Robin Quivers isn't just ready to abandon Howard Stern.

Thank goodness- is there anyone more irreplacable in entertainment today than Robin? How would we know when to laugh at Howie's doody and dick jokes?

Peter Jennings: Last Anchor Standing

Ah, yes. ABC execs must be licking their chops as their Canadian high-school dropout, Peter Jennings, remains the last of the "Big Three" anchors to continue.

Who will viewers choose for their somewhat slanted, old-school news to fill time before "ET" and "Jeopardy?" The dashing but absurdly verbose Brian Williams? The presumed heir apparant to the Black Eye's chair, John "Because There's Nobody Else Under 70" Roberts? Time will tell, but we expect even more viewers to flock to cable news and watch "The Simpsons" or "Green Acres" at 6:30 instead.

Starving Uber-Celebs Moonlight to Make Ends Meet

How will the starving Hollywood elite ever afford that third Malibu beach estate with two guest houses? Easy- they'll just force themselves to do another voiceover for a Pizza Hut ad.

Double Stuffed Crust! Mmmm... cheesy.

Viacom's Stern New Policy Sure to Muzzle King Of All Media

In a move sure to accelerate Howard Stern's exit from old-school terrestrial (read: free) radio, Viacom has wussed out and promised they'll immediately suspend any employee who draws a formal FCC complaint

What happened to the good old days when one could enjoy family-friendly chatter about anal sex, queefing and bukkake over his bowl of Wheaties?

FCC: Janet's boob indecent, but "Coupling" wasn't?

OK, maybe it wasn't "indecent" in the biblical sense, but NBC's hideous adaptation of the overated British quasi-hit Coupling was certainly worthy of a hefty fine for something, don'tchathink?