Monday, December 06, 2004

How Will Fox Sports Market Steroids Scandal To Our Youth?

In an absolutely shocking series of events (to anyone who's living in a cave, blind, or mildly retarded), baseball scumbags Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds used steroids (ESPN). Our national pastime will never be the same.

Coming this spring: Fox's wacky baseball mascot Scooter demostrates how to shoot 'roids into belly fat.

Will NBC Add Laugh Track to "Nightly?"

NBC execs are looking to integrate Brian William' sense of humor (he is hilarious, and always keeps 'em in stitches on the Tonight Show and in NBC in-house meetings) into NBC Nightly News (N.Y. Post).

We can picture it now: "Coming up: 37 American troops die in Fallujah today... but first: a mullah, a camel, and an Irishman in a burka walk into a bar..."

No confirmation on the rumor that the set will be replaced by a brick wall and a neon "NBC" sign.

99 Word Review: Sesame Street

Editor's note: In our attempt for TVGeekSpeak to closely resemble USA Today (love that weather map), here's our latest "99 Word Review." As always (count 'em up, punks) the review is exactly 99 words. It's our guarantee- or double your money back!

Sesame Street went in the TiVo when our newborn reached TV age (11 weeks). We wondered: has it remained educational for kids, and entertaining for grownups? Cookie Monster still rocks, Grover is fun, and Oscar teaches it’s OK to be miserable. But Jailbait hottie Gabi can’t sing. Baby Bear’s lisping is excruciating. Kids love Elmo, but to adults, he’s insipidly torturous. And Big Bird’s “Journey to Ernie” is clearly produced by blind artists in a “special needs” animation house. Let these segments sleep with the fishes (Dorothy, beware) and we’d all have an easier time sweepin’ the clouds away.

TVGS rating: For kids, 3 test patterns out of 4; for adults, 2 test patterns out of 4

More Of The Same, And Then Some: Midseason Replacements On The Way

Thought the networks' fall offerings were lame? Never fear- reinforcements are on the way (Denver Post).

Among the groundbreaking new offerings: a new medical drama (Grey's Anatomy, ABC), a couple of new detective shows (Blind Justice, Eyes, NUMB3RS), sketch comedy (Kelsey Grammer's The Sketch Show), and reality (Hell's Kitchen). Add to this ANOTHER new Law and Order (L&O: Trial by Jury, with Jerry Orbach).

Wow, the networks are just full of surprises! zzzzzzzzz. Color us disinterested.

At least Alias and 24 (sans the storyline-challenged but white-hot Elisha Cuthbert) will be back.

Report: Men Have Their Porn, Women Have Their "Baby Story"

In news that is no shock to anyone, it turns out women like to watch TV alone (

Wonder why? Could it be that men can't NOT bitch insessantly while watching that many insipid makeover shows, soap operas, and Lifetime movies?

Martha's New Reality Show: How Real?

NBC's close to firming a new reality show featuring domestic diva and current inmate Martha Stewart.

The show, we're told, will feature the new, edgier Martha, hardened by her time in the Big House. First episode: Martha teaches her new method for "tossing a salad."

DotDots... Monday News Roundup

Tonight on Lifetime: "The Nanny Reunion: A Nosh To Remember." Didn't this show only end, like, five years ago? Can't possibly be worse now than it was then... TV in the supermarket checkout line? It's a good start, but call me when they get TiVo so I can skip the Massengill point-of-purchase ads... Faced with ratings erosion, NBC's Today is turning to a Maury EP for help. Can't wait to see Katie, Matt and Al dishing out DNA results... Jon Stewart's America has been named Book Of The Year. I guess none of the folks at Publisher's Weekly read Paris Hilton's brilliant psychological dissection of society and its effect on the global economy, Confessions of a Teenage Heiress... Brand spankin' new anchor Brian Williams continued to best his veteran competitors for the rest of the week. Will viewers stick with BW when the next mega-story breaks? That will be his first true test.