Monday, December 13, 2004

Americans To Get No Dick This New Year's

New Year's Eve just won't be as rockin' this year, as a stroke has caused Dick Clark to sit this one out. The ubiquitous Regis Philbin will take the reins (he needs the exposure, after all).

Still unclear: whether Regis will use this national platform to tongue-kiss his wife Joy, Mr. Clark's wife Karen, or both.

Chung To Networks: "Where The White Women At?"

Connie Chung is wondering aloud: where are the female anchors? In today's Philadelphia Inquirer, she slams network news execs as cavemen for not considering a woman to replace Dan Rather.

Seems there was a female anchor on CBS at one point- how'd that work out? Not well at all, if memory serves. Damned if I can remember her name, though... I'm sure it will come to me...

Bottom line: if the neckties thought a woman would get ratings, they'd hire one. Heck, if they thought it would help, they'd put her in a belly shirt too, and make D-cup implants a mandatory part of their uniform. Hey, it works on Desperate Housewives- why not on the evening news? Besides, at this point, John Roberts can probably pull off wearing a low-cut top better than Diane Sawyer.

Old-fashioned and vaguely chauvenistic? Sure. But it's all about the numbers, babe. Now go make yourself look purty.

Tivo, meet Xerox. Xerox, Meet TiVo.

TiVo says its name is not a verb, and is stepping up efforts to protect its trademark. They're sending letters to news organizations reminding them to not write, for example, "I TiVoed Joey last night."

Lotsa luck. In my house, the only verb used more than "TiVo" begins with an "f," ends in an "uck," and is largely unprintable here.

Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None

Cable companies are ready to roll out a buttload of new services, including phones, DVR, and internet.

Meanwhile, my analog channels still look like ass, and in 2004, I still can't get FX or BBC America. And all for the low, low price of $90+ a month. Hello, Cablevision? Are you listening?

More Fuel To The "L.K." Rumor on "The O.C."

"Lesbian Kissin'," that is.

With the once red-hot sudser The O.C. looking to boost sagging ratings, now even the creator of The O.C. is saying that Marissa (Mischa Barton) will engage in some hott (Editor's note: two "t's" intentional) scissor sister action. Sounds like a desperate attempt to make the bland Barton even the slightest bit palatable.

That said, it goes right into the TiVo tonight. Scha-WING!

Oh Davey!

Zany, wacky clay Bible-thumpers Davey and Goliath are back.

In an attempt to update their subtle Christian message ("Even though your coach sodomized you with a lacrosse stick after practice, God LOVES you, Davey!") their new special will be "more modern in its treatment of women." How 1980's of them! The show will also add Jew and Muslim characters to "hip it up." What, no Hare Krishnas? How about a Jehovah's Witness- you know, just for kicks?

Golden Globes Love Newbies, HBO

ABC's hot new shows are stealing some of HBO's thunder by nabbing a bunch of Golden Globe Nominations. Lost, Boston Legal and Desperate Housewives all got nods.

Nominations of interest:

Television Series - Drama
The Sopranos

Television Series - Musical Or Comedy
Arrested Development
Desperate Housewives
Sex and the City
Will & Grace

Mini-Series Or Television Movie
American Family — Journey Of Dreams
Iron Jawed Angels
The Life and Death Of Peter Sellers
The Lion In Winter
Something the Lord Made

Actor In A Leading Role - Drama Series

Michael Chiklis, The Shield
Denis Leary, Rescue Me
Julian McMahon, Nip/Tuck
Ian McShane, Deadwood
James Spader, Boston Legal

Actor In A Leading Role - Musical Or Comedy Series
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Zach Braff, Scrubs
Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Matt LeBlanc, Joey
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

Actor In A Leading Role - Mini-Series Or Television Movie
Mos Def, Something the Lord Made
Jamie Foxx, Redemption
William H. Macy, The Wool Cap
Geoffrey Rush, The Life and Death Of Peter Sellers
Patrick Stewart, The Lion In Winter

Actress In A Leading Role - Drama Series
Edie Falco, The Sopranos
Jennifer Garner, Alias
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Christine Lahti, Jack & Bobby
Joely Richardson, Nip/Tuck

Actress In A Leading Role - Musical Or Comedy Series
Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewives
Teri Hatcher, Desperate Housewives
Felicity Huffman, Desperate Housewives
Debra Messing, Will & Grace
Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City

Actress In A Leading Role - Mini-Series Or Television Movie
Glenn Close, The Lion In Winter
Blythe Danner, Back When We Were Grown-Ups
Julianna Margulies, The Grid
Miranda Richardson, The Lost Prince
Hilary Swank, Iron Jawed Angels

Actor In A Supporting Role - Series, Mini-Series Or Television Movie
Sean P. Hayes, Will & Grace
Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos
Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Oliver Platt, Huff
William Shatner, Boston Legal

Actress In A Supporting Role - Series, Mini-Series Or Television Movie
Drea De Matteo, The Sopranos
Anjelica Huston, Iron Jawed Angels
Nicollette Sheridan, Desperate Housewives
Charlize Theron, The Life and Death Of Peter Sellers
Emily Watson, The Life and Death Of Peter Sellers

Pam Stretches

In a real reach for her, Pam Anderson's doing a sitcom about a slutty broad who keeps falling for bad-boy types.

We can't wait for that "very special Hep C episode" during sweeps.

99 Word review: Lost

Editor's note: In our attempt to keep TVGeekSpeak light and breezy, but not lose our edge (Generation X, unite!) this is our latest "99 Word Review." As always (if you haven't figured it out) it is exactly 99 words. Go ahead, count 'em. And don't forget to carry the one.

We generally frown upon crap the masses love (Julia Roberts, Harry Potter, ER). So imagine our surprise when turd machine ABC debuted Lost, a high quality, desert island masterpiece. It’s true must see TV: innovative storytelling, great cast, and a timeslot without any true competition. Sure, the cast is too beautiful (except for the token fat guy), nobody loses weight, and the women’s pits remain inexplicably clean shaven. But off-island flashbacks provide intriguing backstory, and the lack of inter-castaway nookie keeps the soapiness minimal. Will it eventually turn into Fantasy Island? Maybe. For now, we’ll continue to get Lost.

TVGS Review: 3.5 test patterns out of 4

"Lost" airs Wednesday nights at 8 et/pt on ABC.

The Geek Files: Charlie's Angels

"Pusher" returns- with more terrifying details of her lifelong TV addiction. There may even be an admission that she has written some fan fic- a major TVGS no-no. Sanctions may be in order.

TNT once had a stroke of genius: The Charlie's Angels marathon. Twelve hours, twelve episodes, one night of my life I will never get back.

One mention to my twin sister and our best friend and it was game time - 8pm, our house, Saturday night. Farrah Fawcett wings in place, we were giddy by midnight and absolutely bonkers by 4am. We actually wrote our own episodes- many of which were better than what we had just watched (at least when read on a sleep-deprived sugar high).

Our creative process was interrupted every time a new episode started or commercial break came. At these points the tinkle of a bell would sound (when the silhouetted logo appeared) and the challenge was for each of us to assume a position from that logo. Oh how I dreaded the times when I was too slow and had to be the stupid girl with the karate chop hands instead of the cool chick with a gun on her arm or, better still, the huge one in the middle with that big ass walkie talkie. Now that's hot.

But over the years I've practiced my moves and whenever a coffee mug is stirred and the spoon hits the inside of the cup, I pounce into position! (Go ahead. Try it. Stir your mug and strike a pose.)

Pusher's "The Geek Files: Memoirs of a TV Addict" appears every Monday.