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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Static From The Geek-In-Chief: Save This

As of this writing, the ambitious folks at TrekUnited have raised $ 3,069,035.00 to save Star Trek Enterprise. But if you take away the donations of three wealthy benefactors, the tote board would read under $70k. Hardly enough to finance another season of the show. While rabid, diehard fans, a Star Trek trademark, try desperately to save the series, it seems many other, less vocal Trekkers feel that Enterprise was never the franchise's strongest effort, and maybe it's time to let it go.

So I'd like to suggest the money be spread around to improve other, more needy shows. There are many other programs that could benefit from a little extra cash. Here's how I'd spend the cashola:

Get Jen Shefft a real husband. Find a decent looking guy, pay him well, and perform eardrum removal surgery so he doesn't have to listen to her yapping. $500,000

Get Donald Trump a decent haircut. Lose the weird combover and hit Supercuts. $8

Split a cool million between all American Idol contestants to get them to disappear immediately, eliminating the need for airing the twice-weekly train wreck.

As a farewell gift for Sipowicz, buy him 5 custom made dress shirts. Long sleeve, of course- a squad commander's gotta look sharp. $1,500

Get Ellen some dancing lessons. It's getting old. $1,000

Schedule gastric bypass surgery for Fat Actress Kirstie Alley. $10,000

Make CSI: Miami's Horatio Cane lose the Hummer and get him a more environmentally friendly hybrid, like a Toyota Prius. $21,000

Pay off somebody at the Geek-In-Chief's cable company (hint: rhymes with Bagel-prison) to put friggin' FX and BBC America on his channel lineups: $50,000

Pay someone to do a Tonya Harding on Star Jones-Reynolds- live from the red carpet: $100,000 in unmarked bills

Make What I Like About You's Amanda Bynes eat three big, full meals. Salad doesn't count. We're talking protein, here, people. $127

Get CSI actress Jorja Fox an Invisalign retainer to fix the Letterman-sized gap in her teeth. $2,900

While we have the orthodontist on the line, let's also sign up Medium's Patricia Arquette for full braces. $5,000

And if there's a dentist at the same practice, to fix Victor Garber's lower teeth. Ewwwww. $2,000

Buy 10 year domain naming rights to "SaveER.com," "SaveWillAndGrace.com," "SaveCSINY.com," "SaveAmericanIdol.com," and "RehireStarJones.com," to stop history from repeating itself. $500

Buy a commercial in CSI to promote TVGeekSpeak.com. (Hey, a guy can dream.) $375,000

And finally, make a "donation" to a clever, dedicated TV blog writer and his contributers who pour their hearts out for nothing on a daily basis. $1,000,000

Total: $3,069,035.00 well spent Star-bucks
Number of shows improved: at least 12
Number of completed blog columns filled with absurd nonsense: One

What show should be cancelled instead of Enterprise? Vote in our Idiot Box poll now- in the right hand column!

For daily TV Headlines, features, and trivia, tune in to your inner geek at TVGeekSpeak.com!

1 other geekspeak:

  • i dunno about a cool million, but if we do a girl scount cookie fundraiser with the tvgs logo on the box, i bet you'd "mint" some real quan.

    By Blogger joevideo, at 12:46 AM  

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