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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Static From The Geek-In-Chief: Idol Chatter

So this week, I did the unthinkable: I actually watched a full hour of American Idol. I won't go into why, but let's just say it wasn't by choice. And I figured as a "journalist" (ha!) I could use it for fodder for my weekly column.

It's not like I hadn't seen drips and drabs of Idol before, but to fully appreciate the sheer hideousness of America's favorite TV trainwreck, it turns out it's necessary to ingest the full hour. And here are my notes- which I'm sure won't surprise anyone.

The singers are generally safe, generic, and bland. Of course, they're only slightly worse than any of the crap I hear on the radio anyway. Most are straight out of central casting: there's the fat guy, the blonde country girl, the hip black chick, the grungy dude. None are particularly good.

For example, the aforementioned fat dude sang (well, OK- butchered) the Hall & Oates classic "She's Gone." To make a point (although it still isn't clear what it was), the producers thawed out Daryl and John, wheeled them into the audience, and kept them handy to comment on the undertalented cretin's performance of their song. Of course, nobody bothered to mike the decrepit duo, so nobody could hear their responses- making the whole exercise pointlessly retarded (as if the under-25 crowd watching the show even knew who Hall & Oates were in the first place).

Others chose songs that had me scratching my head: what kind of masochistic fool would try to match Freddy Mercury's performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody?" Why would anyone resurrect Paul Young's unlistenable "Every Time You Go Away"- in any form? And why would anyone disrespect the immortal Johnny by doing a watered down "Freebird?"

And lastly, the judges: say what you want about Simon, but he's at least honest. Randy seemed inconsistent to this first-time viewer, although each time I saw him I couldn't get the image of him playing Journey's "I'll Be Alright Without You" on his pink polka-dot bass out of my quickly shrivelling brain. And Paula's straight up annoying: too cheery, too jumpy, and very slurry: her speech pattern (and musical taste, for that matter) suggested that she was either loaded or in the midst of a massive stroke.

Overall, it's not the worst show I've ever seen, but I won't ever watch it again- at least, not by choice.

That is, unless Carrie makes the final two. Scha-WING!

Static from the Geek In Chief airs every Wednesday on TVGeekSpeak.com. For more cool TV talk, click here.

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