E!: Jacko Reenacto

You know you'll be thirsty for coverage of the Michael Jackson molestation trial once it gets into full swing. Well, pour yourself a glass of The Gloved One's favorite Jesus juice and enjoy: cable network E! says it will quench your thirst with daily courtroom reenactments chronicling the trial.

Does this include reenacting witness accounts? Because if so, it will clearly need to work outside of the FCC's "safe harbor" (we're pretty sure they'd consider kiddie porn indecent).

If The Hott Babes Don't Work Out, Here's Another Possible New Direction For The Weather Channel

If the sexist tools at The Weather Channel who shit-canned Marny Stanier Midkiff reconsider their decision to slather their network with half-dressed, barely legal weather babes, we suggest they CLICK HERE to see a great candidate worth considering.

He may not be any good... but he makes GREAT television.

Related link: TVGeekSpeak: Weather Channel Forecast: Hott and Stormy

It's Not Low-Rated. It's HBO.

HBO was certainly expecting more from the return of the expensively bizarre Carnivale on Sunday. After a year off, the quirky drama's return only attracted 1.8 million viewers, roughly a third of what its debut grabbed back in September 2003. This didn't help the premiere of the Soderberg/Clooney reality hybrid Unscripted, which nabbed a paltry 814,000 viewers.

This can't thrill HBO. As the network prepares to lose the fading Six Feet Under, and with The Wire and Entourage drawing less than Sex in the City numbers, they're desperate for a new hit.

Do we hear negotiations for an emergency seventh season of The Sopranos beginning?

New Formula for Big TV Ratings: Dwarves + Alcohol = Ratings

VH1 just discovered that Mini-Me means giant ratings.

Sunday's season premiere of The Surreal Life, which included a scene where a drunken Verne Troyer urinates in a corner of a workout room, grabbed VH1 its highest ratings in nearly five years. It was also the network's highest rated original series ever.

I always said that guy was a pisser. Hey now!

NBC Loser A Winner

Who's The Biggest Loser?

That would be Ryan Benson, who took the crown of the NBC reality competition by losing 122 pounds and 18% of his body fat.

He celebrated his victory in the only way possible: by drenching host Caroline Rhea in ketchup and devouring her.

Wednesday News Roundup

Lardy loudmouth Star Jones Reynolds apparantly no longer considers herself a lawyer . She listed her profession as "TV personality" first time last year on some customs forms during a trip abroad. She also listed her marital status as "Well, sorta..." Looks like the morning news wars are heating up. Good Morning America scored a rare national win over Today on Monday. The spin has started: ABC applauds its "big breaking-news show," while an NBC flak rudely dismissed the win, noting that Matt Lauer and Ann Curry were off. Kids, kids... play nice... Law & Order star Jerry Orbach received a posthumous SAG nomination yesterday for his final season of the hit drama. Orbach passed away in December... TNT has picked up a Los Angeles-set crime drama called Rush, starring Gary Cole. Sounds like The Shield meets Without a Trace meets America's Most Wanted... FX's Nip/Tuck will be back for two more seasons, the network announced. They're also considering a Steven Bochco Iraq-related war drama, as well as an Andre Braugher crime drama.

Tonight's Tube

A spinoff of Queer Eye on Bravo? No friggin' way I'm watching that.

I'm opting instead for the Crank Yankers season premiere (featuring the riotous Sarah Silverman) on Comedy Central. I'll pick puppets over prissy any day.

Oh yeah, and Lost and Alias are both on too.

Speak From The Geek-In-Chief: How The Osbournes Ruined Television

As the beginning of the final season of the The Osbournes approaches, I got to thinking about when I first saw show a few years back.

I'll admit it- I was hooked. I had never seen anything like it ("I'm the prince of fucking darkness!"), and my love for the show was enough to made me break my two biggest rules (never watch MTV, and eff reality shows). If only I knew what it would eventually do to my beloved tube.

When Ozzy & Co. returned for the second season, the novelty wore off and the thrill, for me anyway, was gone. But soon after, a steady stream of imitators began to appear, and haven't stopped: The Anna Nicole Smith Show, Newlyweds, and The Simple Life: all unwatchable one-trick ponies cluttering valuable on-air real estate. And, quite frankly, there seems to be no end in sight.

Check out the new slate of "Look-at-me, I'm-a-star-with-a-wacky-off-camera-life" crapola: Farrah Fawcett, Wayne Newton, Tommy Lee- there's even a show tracking the strangest couple ever: Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav (Strange Love).

Who cares about these people? The ironic thing seems to be how that once someone becomes an irrelevant Hollywood ex-celebrity, some network executive immediately thinks it's a great idea to give them a reality show. It's as if they say, "Look how interesting these people have become, now that they're uninteresting!" Feh.

And is there really an audience for all this garbage? I suppose somebody is watching, or they wouldn't keep churning out these shows faster than new Paris Hilton porno tapes. But it won't be me this time. They got me once, but never again.

The real reality: there's much more interesting stuff to watch. Period.

Speak From The Geek-In-Chief appears every Wednesday.

Wednesday Trivia: Gilligan's Island

Which of the following statements about Gilligan’s Island is as phony as The Skipper and Gilligan's heterosexuality?

1) Carroll O'Connor (Archie Bunker on All In the Family) auditioned for the role of the skipper.
2) Dabney Coleman (Buffalo Bob) tested for the role of the professor.
3) Gilligan was the only character that never had his full name mentioned on the show.
4) Tina Louise competed for the 1960 Miss America title as Miss Nevada.

Answers tomorrow.

Tuesday Trivia Solved: The Brady Bunch, Redux

One of the following statements about The Brady Bunch is faker than their Jan's afro. Which is it?

1) The living room’s telephone was green.
2) The refrigerator was green.
3) Jan was voted most popular girl.
4) Greg was also known as “Scoop” Brady.

The answer is 4.) It was Peter who was known as “Scoop” Brady.