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Friday, January 14, 2005

Survivor X: Almost There

Survivor is so close to getting it right.

For the tenth season of TV's top reality show, three players "leave" during the first episode- and two don't even make it to the first challenge.

If, for the eleventh season, they get everyone off before the first episode, they'll finally be onto something. Not to mention, they'll save me from hearing the interminable Friday morning rehashes of the prior night's exile.

Well, You Fat Cow, You're Not The Woman I Married Either- That Woman Didn't Sit On The Couch, Scarfing Bon-Bons While Watching Lifetime All Day Long

Repeat after Lifetime: "Men are scum... men are scum... men are scum."

The women's cable network is expected to announce Friday that it's ordering 13 episodes of You're Not the Man I Married, a reality comedy series in which the wives have realized after a few years of marriage that their husbands aren't Mr. Perfect.

Why doesn't Lifetime just cut out the middle man and order up their perfect reality show: Husband Castration: Live!

Affirmative Idol Action

To avoid too much girl-on-girl bitching on this season's American Idol, show producers are promising half of the 24 semifinalist spots to men.

Why don't they take it one step further- and reserve all the spots for people who actually have some musical talent?

Blonde Moment Costs Anderson Desperate Housewives

Hindsight is 20/20- or, in this case, a bottle of L'Oreal Feria "Espresso" Haircolor 40.

Pam Anderson admits she was offered Teri Hatcher's role on Desperate Housewives, but turned it down because she didn't want to become a brunette.

In a statement, she expressed regret, but said she stood her ground because blonde hair and horrendous career moves were her trademark.

Time Running Out For 60 Minutes Wednesday?

Hey, 60 Minutes Wednesday: your Executive Producer just got axed for his role in an ugly faked memo scandal. Your chief correspondent is mired in controversy and has big-time credibility issues. So what are you gonna do now?

The answer: Brace for cancellation?

In light of the newsmag's sagging ratings and damaged reputation, CBS Shit King of Fuck Mountain Les Moonves questions the long-term viability of the show, noting that "they are not exactly tearing it up in the ratings over there."

Not exactly a vote of confidence.

Fat Actress Fights Weighty Stereotypes

In today's salvo of the relentless, rapid-firing Kirstie Alley publicity bazooka, the thick-middled thespian rails on her former bosses, saying producers of her previous two shows, Cheers and Veronica's Closet, "hauled her in" to berate her about her weight. And she says she wasn't even overweight!

Maybe they had a crystal ball... or a sixth sense... but Kirstie, in retrospect, maybe these guys were on to something? Whaddya think?

MTV's Gay Channel Staying In The Closet

MTV Networks' new gay-themed cable channel, LOGO, isn't ready to "come out" yet. The start date for the network has been pushed back five months, to June 30, to insure that the channel would be "a complete service."

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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Geek Of The Week

Big Unit? Big Geek.

In a media introduction that won't soon be forgotten, Randy Johnson didn't exactly endear himself to New York media and fans this week as the surly lefty had an ugly run-in with a WCBS-TV cameraman on the way to his physical. His press conference the next day became one big, uncomfortable apology, interrupted only long enough for him to have a heated exchange with the sports guy from the same station.

A guy who's been a star athlete for so long should know better. Grow up, Randy, or your time in New York will be a nightmare.

Runner up: CBS chief Les Moonves, for letting Dan Rather and Andrew Heyward keep their gigs after Memogate.

Weekend Tube

Friday: Can't get enough James Bond? Encore offers a 72 hour 007 marathon starting tonight (I'll pass). Regis guesting on Hope & Faith? No thanks. Battlestar Galactica? Some of GeekSpeak nation will be watching... but not me. And with the chances of me watching the series premiere of Jonny Zero on Fox at... well, zero... looks like a TiVo catch-up night for me.

Saturday: Watch CBS' The Will? That would be hard, since it's dead and buried. Besides, I gotta sample the Tsunami Victims Benefit airing on NBC. But afterwards, be sure not to miss the latest special from one of my favorite comics: Richard Jeni: A Big Steaming Pile of Me on HBO. Or Jets-Steelers... should be close. NOT.

Sunday: Golden Globes? If you're into that sort of thing. Maybe I'll try HBO's Unscripted again.

The Friday Eff Off: Carnivale

Carnivale had its second season premiere last week- which attracted fewer eyeballs than a porno flick full of bearded women. Wonder why? Listen up, HBO: Uncle Buster lays it all out for you in The Friday Eff Off.

In college, I took a cinema class where the movie Freaks was shown. It’s one of the first talkies about sideshow acts in a traveling carnival. A talking head with no body, bearded lady, blah blah.

There is a place in the world for people with these special talents. But most of us spend our lives trying to avoid such people. So why would HBO decide that a dramatic series about them would be worth watching? That I can’t answer, but I can tell you I don’t need to see Carnivale.

Judging by the ratings, neither does anyone else.

3 x 33 Word Reviews (99 Total): Tilt

Last night, three poker playin' TV geeks went all-in for the new ESPN drama Tilt. But it seems the netword better raise the stakes, or these Hold 'em fans may start sitting out. Given a new spin on an old TVGeekSpeak gimmick, here are three, 33 word reviews.

JoeVideo: If you don't like poker, avoid TILT. If you dig Vegas, understand Hold-'Em and love the wackjob characters that Michael Madsen usually plays, you'll love the hotter-than-hell babes, double-double-crossing and Vegas-style action. (2.5 out of 4 test patterns)

Uncle Buster: Not quite what I expected. Thought it would be more about the game, guess it is somewhat. Don't need to see the guys fight over the chick. Boring. Matador will go down, but how? (2 out of 4 test patterns)

Geek-In-Chief: Interesting, but no royal flush. Panders to ESPN stereotype: gambling, sex, fighting. The drama’s forced, with tension never approaching even a semi-final round of the real World Series of Poker. What's the point? (2.5 out of 4 test patterns)

Average TVGeekspeak rating: 2 1/3 test patterns (out of four)

Thursday Trivia Solved: Gilligan's Island, Redux

Yesterday's question: Which of the following guest stars NEVER landed on Gilligan’s Island?

A) Don Rickles
B) Kurt Russell
C) Phil Silvers
D) Eva Gabor

The answer is D. Zsa Zsa was there, but Eva was not.