Monday, February 14, 2005

Grammys Fall On Deaf Ears

This year's Grammy Awards, without the assistance of a Super Bowl tittie, saw its lowest ratings in 10 years, dropping more than 25% from last year.

Increased competition from those harlots on Wisteria Lane didn't help.

How can CBS improve the ratings for next year's awards? Vote now in our Idiot Box poll in the right hand column!

Arrested Developments

Good news for Arrested Development fans: It looks like the cancellation hysteria may be a bit premature.

Sure, the show was yanked for sweeps. Yes, they cut the order to 18 episodes (from 22). But Fox execs point out the show didn't air during the May sweep last year either- to protect it from stronger competition. And the best news of all- reportedly one of Fox's fall pilots is being picked up solely because it's a good fit with Arrested, a strong sign of renewal.

Either way, we'll have to wait until May to see how much money is left in the banana stand.

Heavenly Renewal

Those wacky Camdens are making history!

The WB has renewed the squeaky clean clan of 7th Heaven for a tenth season. That's a record for a family drama, surpassing Little House on the Prairie and The Waltons.

No confirmation yet on the rumor that Paris Hilton has signed on to play a hot young chippie in the congregation looking to the reverend for a little "guidance."

Moronic Survivor Wanna-Be Of The Month

A Florida bus driver faces big trouble with John Q. Law after she encouraged students to go batshit on a moving bus while she shot an audition tape for Survivor.

Just telling producers that she had to deal with the little cretins on a daily basis should have been enough to prove her mettle- did she really need to put their lives in danger?

Cox to Helm Another Friends

Courtney Cox and her hubby-in-tow David Arquette are producing a comedy pilot, Friends In The A.M., for UPN.

The show follows three female morning show hosts, and their on- and off-camera exploits.

Sounds... wretched.

Shouting Match on Shouting Matches Turns Into Shouting Match

A panel discussion on cable debate shows at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival ended up looking a lot like the real thing Saturday, as Janeane Garofalo and Laura Ingraham- surprise!- locked horns over their disparate ideologies.

Of course, all differences were solved by the end of the session, and the two parties were united as never before.

Tonight's Tube

Monday: Jailbait alert! For you pervs who dig trashy teen tart Lindsay Lohan, we have back to back flicks on Starz: Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen and Freaky Friday (airing, I might add, at a suspiciously late 10:35pm). Want tips on how to sneak around on your mate? Or how NOT to? Then check out Loving & Cheating on Cinemax. And in case the car battery you usually hook up to your nads runs out of juice, there’s a torturous alternative on ABC Family: Back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of the Drew Carey/Wayne Brady version of Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The Geek Files: Kick Ass Brass

The say everyone has their 15 minutes. This holds true even for TV Geeks like Pusher, who shares a tale of how her uncomfortable obsession with CSI delivered her moment in the spotlight. Here's this week's The Geek Files.

"An innocent man - jail's full of them." - An astutely sarcastic line than can sound generic from any average actor. But delivered by Paul Guilfoyle as Capt. Jim Brass on CSI, it's pure genius.

"Judge Cohen, you're under arrest for obstructing justice, tampering with state's evidence and violating seven articles of scumbag." Brilliant line from "Pledging Mr. Johnson."

In "A Night at the Movies," Brass taps into film noir as he expounds, "Poor sap was slumped over like a sack of potatoes... oozing blood like a broken bottle of ketchup" the whole time pantomiming taking a drag on a cigarette. Awesome.

These are the moments when a standard line becomes a "Kick Ass Brass" line on TV's #1 show; when an underrated character steals a scene because of the talents of an underrated actor.

The best "Kick Ass Brass" line ever came during CSI's third season. It was from "Lady Heather's Box" when Grissom returns to Lady Heather's dominion in search of evidence... and scene...

Grissom in doorway (to Lady Heather): "I'd like to come in."
Lady Heather: "Of course you would. Say the magic word."
Brass (entering the frame in front of Grissom): "Warrant? We don't have one."

I knew this line couldn't go unnoticed and, luckily, I had friends who agreed. A t-shirt had to be made. We came up with a front that read "Warrant: The Magic Word" and a back that read "I've taken a shine to (Capt.) Brass." What? Brass is the only one who can come up with a great line?

We each ordered a T and sent an extra one to Paul Guilfoyle. We never knew if he received it or not... until the season 3 DVDs came out. This is fun kids, so play along at home - Disc 4, Episode 315... "Lady Heather's Box." Play it with the writer's commentary. 57 minutes into the episode is the scene transcribed above. The kicker is - right after Brass' line one of the writer's explains, "A lot of Brass fans are fond of that particular line. They sent Paul a t-shirt that says "Warrant: We don't have one." Okay, so he misquotes our shirt but, still, that KICKS ASS!

Pusher's The Geek Files airs every Monday.

For daily TV Headlines, features, and trivia, tune in to your inner geek at!

Monday Trivia: History of Cable, Part 1

Which cable network is the oldest?

A) Nickelodeon
C) A&E

Answer tomorrow.