Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Star Jones Item Of The Day

The New York Post's Page Six reports that Star Jones Reynolds is threatening to sue PETA for using the cross-dressing impersonator in a new ad campaign.

PETA's all aggravated that Star wears real fur. The lard-assed loudmouth is apparently worried that people won't be able to tell the difference between her and a drag queen. And we're loving watching this absurd drama unfold.

It's Official: Fox Tops in February

For the first time, Fox has won sweeps, thanks to the Super Bowl and American Idol. The network won in both viewers and the 18-49 demo.

Also for the first time, NBC finished fourth. But remember Zucker's mantra: Sweeps are obsolete!

In other ratings news, the One Day At A Time reunion tanked; Peter Jennings' UFO special did surprisingly well; and more people love seeing Stars Without Makeup than I would have expected.

Daytime Emmy Nominees

ABC’s All My Children earned a leading 18 Daytime Emmy nominations Wednesday, while The View and The Ellen DeGeneres Show both had 11 in talk show categories.

DeGeneres’ show won last year for best talk show, and will be competing in that category this year against The View, Live With Regis & Kelly, Dr. Phil and Soap Talk.

I can't bear to write any more about these pointless awards. If you need more info, read this.

Rather Obvious

Viacom big-shot Les Moonves says that Dan Rather might not have stepped down if it wasn't for the Memogate scandal.

Yeah, and I might be starting center for the Knicks if I wasn't 5'3".

Anonymous Investors Contribute $3-million to Save Enterprise announced that three anonymous contributors have stepped forward with a $3 million pledge toward the campaign to un-cancel Star Trek: Enterprise. All that's mentioned of the deep-pocketed saviors is that they're "investors in the commercial space flight industry."

This beefs up the less-than-otherworldly total of around $69,000 raised by all other contributers.

Could the "Save Enterprise money be better used? Read this week's Static from the Geek In Chief.

Northern Exposure To Indecency

Cable TV shouldn't be exempt from FCC decency guidelines, Ted Stevens, a Republican Senator from Alaska, says. He wants to propose legislation to that effect.

Maybe that's how people in Alaska like it, buddy, but we dig our filth down here- and we're quite willing to pay for it, thank you very much. Besides, I don't think Senators from outside the contiguous 48 states are actually allowed to propose legislation... are they?

This Week's Top 10 Shows, from Nielsen

1. The 77th annual Academy Awards (ABC)
2. Oscar Countdown 2005 (ABC)
3. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS)
4. American Idol Tuesday (Fox)
5. American Idol Wednesday (Fox)
6. Without a Trace (CBS)
7. American Idol Monday (Fox)
8. CSI: Miami (CBS)
9. Survivor: Palau (CBS)
10. Lost (ABC)

Wednesday News Roundup

ABC's NYPD Blue went out on top. The long-running ABC drama's last episode easily won its time period... TNT has announced they've ordered a slew of new dramas, including a "limited series" based on the Steven King anthology Nightmares and Dreamscapes... Former "Friends" star David Schwimmer will direct Fox's workplace comedy pilot New Car Smell. Brooke Shields is slated to star.

24 in 99: 5:00pm- 6:00pm

A day late, but never a dollar short, here's Joe Video's latest 99 word 24 recap... which we, coincidentally, call 24 in 99.

Jack tortures Paul Raines, who reveals his connection to Marwan. Tony interrogates Dina, who reveals her connection to Marwan. Basically, everyone realizes that Marwan is in charge of the entire terrorist plan. Curtis escapes captivity, then meets up with Jack to pursue Marwan. CTU and Heller brief the president (STILL ON THE PLANE!) about the situation. More valuable plot time is wasted on Driscoll's SchizoDaughter, who finally offs herself at the end (thank god). Marwan is discovered, Jack pursues him, he is on the loose. Curtis gains control of the override, and Edgar saves the world from meltdown. Yey!

Back to

Poll Results: Who should host next year's Oscars?

You have spoken! And the host for next year's Academy Awards, according to you, should be:

That janitor guy from Scrubs 57 %
Billy Crystal 34 %
Chris Rock 3 %
Star Jones 3 %

Tonight's Tube

There's something about Hurley, And this may be the Lost episode where we finally learn something about him- he has a heavy presence this week (ha, ha, 'cause, you know, he's fat). On Jack & Bobby, we have a serious Doogie Howser Alert as Neil Patrick Harris guest stars (hopefully it's a calmer turn than his Harold & Kumar cameo. And if aging, cellulite-thighed model/hosts are your bag, Tyra Banks hosts a new cycle of America's Next Top Model.

Tuesday Trivia: Lorne Michaels

Which show was Lorne Michaels not involved with?

B) The New Show
C) Night Music
D) Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Answer: A). Lorne had nothing to do with SCTV.

Wednesday Trivia: In Living Color

Who was never a cast member of In Living Color?

A) Dwayne Wayans
B) Marlon Wayans
C) Kim Wayans
D) Damon Wayans

Answer: A) Dwayne Wayans, who is deceased, never was a cast member of ILC.

Static From The Geek-In-Chief: Save This

As of this writing, the ambitious folks at TrekUnited have raised $ 3,069,035.00 to save Star Trek Enterprise. But if you take away the donations of three wealthy benefactors, the tote board would read under $70k. Hardly enough to finance another season of the show. While rabid, diehard fans, a Star Trek trademark, try desperately to save the series, it seems many other, less vocal Trekkers feel that Enterprise was never the franchise's strongest effort, and maybe it's time to let it go.

So I'd like to suggest the money be spread around to improve other, more needy shows. There are many other programs that could benefit from a little extra cash. Here's how I'd spend the cashola:

Get Jen Shefft a real husband. Find a decent looking guy, pay him well, and perform eardrum removal surgery so he doesn't have to listen to her yapping. $500,000

Get Donald Trump a decent haircut. Lose the weird combover and hit Supercuts. $8

Split a cool million between all American Idol contestants to get them to disappear immediately, eliminating the need for airing the twice-weekly train wreck.

As a farewell gift for Sipowicz, buy him 5 custom made dress shirts. Long sleeve, of course- a squad commander's gotta look sharp. $1,500

Get Ellen some dancing lessons. It's getting old. $1,000

Schedule gastric bypass surgery for Fat Actress Kirstie Alley. $10,000

Make CSI: Miami's Horatio Cane lose the Hummer and get him a more environmentally friendly hybrid, like a Toyota Prius. $21,000

Pay off somebody at the Geek-In-Chief's cable company (hint: rhymes with Bagel-prison) to put friggin' FX and BBC America on his channel lineups: $50,000

Pay someone to do a Tonya Harding on Star Jones-Reynolds- live from the red carpet: $100,000 in unmarked bills

Make What I Like About You's Amanda Bynes eat three big, full meals. Salad doesn't count. We're talking protein, here, people. $127

Get CSI actress Jorja Fox an Invisalign retainer to fix the Letterman-sized gap in her teeth. $2,900

While we have the orthodontist on the line, let's also sign up Medium's Patricia Arquette for full braces. $5,000

And if there's a dentist at the same practice, to fix Victor Garber's lower teeth. Ewwwww. $2,000

Buy 10 year domain naming rights to "," "," "," "," and "," to stop history from repeating itself. $500

Buy a commercial in CSI to promote (Hey, a guy can dream.) $375,000

And finally, make a "donation" to a clever, dedicated TV blog writer and his contributers who pour their hearts out for nothing on a daily basis. $1,000,000

Total: $3,069,035.00 well spent Star-bucks
Number of shows improved: at least 12
Number of completed blog columns filled with absurd nonsense: One

What show should be cancelled instead of Enterprise? Vote in our Idiot Box poll now- in the right hand column!

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