Wednesday, March 23, 2005

HDTV Kind To Viewers; To "Hott" Stars, Not So Much

Everybody who's seen HDTV is impressed with its clarity and detail. Everyone, that is, except for certain Hollywood icons like Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, and Renee Zellweger, whose flaws are exposed by the crisp picture.

Well, OnHD.TV has released two Top 10 lists of the celebs that look the best and worst in glorious HD. They say of the zit-covered Cameron Diaz (crowned as the top in the "Who Looks Worse?" list): "In the Charlie's Angels movies they're showing in HD on HBO, she almost looks like a burn patient," looking "more like a Charlie than an angel."

Here are their lists, with explanations. Honorable mentions for both (a fun, lengthy list) can be found at their website,

Who Looks Better?
1. Anna Kournikova - "Glistening and luscious"
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones - "Gorgeous and it shows"
3. Charlize Theron - "Glowing"
4. Sting - "In his 50s, still looks great"
5. Scarlett Johansson - "Skin of a porcelain doll"
6. Halle Berry - "Irresistible"
7. George Clooney - "Animal magnetism is legendary"
8. Angelina Jolie - "Only negative: A small mole "
9. Liv Tyler - "Looks so great"
10. Penelope Cruz - "Tom broke up with her?"

Who Looks Worse?
1. Cameron Diaz - "Her cheeks and forehead are littered with unfortunate pockmarks"
2. Michael Douglas- "Looks like Kirk"
3. Britney Spears - "Looks 10 years older - wrinkle marks around lips"
4. Brad Pitt - "Terrible skin problem"
5. Jewel - "Needs help with makeup"
6. Renee Zellweger - "Rosacea problem is very visible in high-def"
7. William Devane - "Duck and cover"
8. Bill Maher - "Scary in high-def"
9. Jamie Lee Curtis - "Looks like a guy - buy botox and a wig"
10. Joan Rivers - "Count the stitch marks from various surgeries"

Lena Olin Returns To Alias

TV Guide Online sez Sydney's supposedly dead MILF is coming back for more!

Finally, a reason to watch this dying shell of a masterpiece.

Royal Wedding, My Ass: Vote In Today's Idiot Box Poll

Now- in the right hand column!

Memogate's Last Man Standing Finally Falls

Josh Howard, the executive producer 60 Minutes Wednesday who greenlit the now-discredited report on President Bush 's military service record, finally resigned from CBS News on Tuesday.

Well, that settles that. I guess now we'll never see another biased report on CBS News.

CNN Looking To Close The Fox News Ratings Gap

You give CNN six minutes... they'll give you the world. Or, at least, you'll give them higher ratings, which really is the whole point.

CNN head Jonathan Klein is trying to increase the amount of time CNN's viewers watch the network (NY Times, free signup req'd), a goal that, if met, could net the vetran news channel millions of extra dollars in ad revenue.

But it also means more Larry King. Jonny, baby, you're askin' too much.

P Diddy Gets MTV Deal To Develop Programming

Gee, there's something new and different.

Thankfully, Mr. Combs will get some much-needed exposure. He's seemed, like, invisible lately.

Fox: "Trust Us, Dina's Dead"

Wondering if Dina Araz survived her somewhat mysterious shooting on this week's 24?

A spokesman basically summed it up in one word: Nope.

In a scene reminiscent of Adrianna's execution on The Sopranos, Dina (played by the amazing Shohreh Aghdashloo) was shot by a goon multiple times. But she was off-camera, so viewers never got to see if she was, like, really dead.

Guess she was.

Supreme Court To Intervene In Idol Vote Screwup?

Probably not, but some graphics operator most certainly got his ass shit-canned last night.

Phone numbers that allowed viewers to pick their favorite contestant were incorrectly displayed during Tuesday's show, prompting a re-vote during the show airing tonight.

Our solution: vote them all out and be done with it. Simple, huh? If only...

Static From The Geek-In-Chief: Blue Collar Crazy!

We Blue Staters, as a whole, don't see eye to eye with our Red Stated brethren. Our political views are different, and our thoughts on family values and art clearly come from a different place. We don't get NASCAR. We don't like country and western. And we have no idea what "rims" are.

So as a Blue Stater, I was shocked to learn that the number one cable show of the week was none other than the Comedy Central's Roast of Jeff Foxworthy. That's right, that guy who unspools redneck jokes and his posse of largely unfully cohorts took control of a cable network and steered it to its second highest ratings in its history. How could this happen? How could anyone find this... funny?

Guess what, snobb-o: they do find it funny. In droves.

As a group, I'd like to think we Blue Staters like a little sophistication in our comedy; generally, we prefer fart jokes that work on a higher level. Subtitles? Even better. We also like we think we accurately reflect the general population because we like a Dixie Chicks song or watched a Dukes of Hazzard repeat one time back in the '80's. Our finger is on the pulse; heck, we ARE the pulse.

So it's no surprise that when I tell friends and co-workers about the unbelievable success of the Foxworthy Roast, I get stunned bug-eyed jaw-drops. Many Bluies still think Bush stole the last election because they don't know anyone who actually voted for him. They can't fathom a mullet wearing populus that prefers jokes about pick-ups and Schlitz to a wry Woody Allen satire, a group that would rather watch a tractor pull than Sex & The City.

In fact, there's no clearer evidence than this year's Oscars telecast. In the metered markets (read: big cities), the Chris Rock hosted telecast did gangbusters, but the show tanked in flyover country. It'd be interesting to see what the ratings would be like if Blue Collar Comic Larry The Cable Guy hosted next year's awards show. of course, most Hollywood types have never even heard of him, so it's unlikely he'd be able to Git-R-Done.

But this is clearly a referendum, a mandate, a serious indication that the Necks Of Color in this country will be heard. It's as bold a statement as the one made last year in the Electoral College- maybe even bolder. It just might be a sign that the revolution has begun.

So I guess the inevitable transformation should begin. On my way back from picking up my purebreed from doggy day care, I'm pickin' me up an Travis Tritt T-shirt and some pork rinds. Hmm... I wonder how they'd taste with my sushi?

Static from the Geek In Chief airs every Wednesday.

For TV Headlines, features, and trivia, tune in to your inner geek at!

Tonight's Tube

Would you watch something called Life on a Stick? Well, Fox hopes you’ll check out episode one tonight. Also, the latest reality butt nugget on the turd pile: TV Land’s Chasing Farrah. Hey, guys: you’re about 25 years too late. Oh, yeah, and for the second straight week, Survivor gets bumped to Wednesday for more college hoopage.

Tuesday Trivia Solved: X-Files week, day two

What was the Cigarette Smoking man's address?

A) 42-2630 Hegal Place,, Alexandria VA 23242
B) West Tisbury, Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
C) 900 W. Georgia St., Washington D.C.
D) 3170 W. 53 Rd. #35, Annapolis, MD

Answer: C) 900 W. Georgia St., Washington D.C.