Monday, March 28, 2005

Censorship Update: The FCC May Start Breaking Cable's Balls Too

Fuck. Shit. And fucking shit.

Kevin J. Martin, the stick-up-his-ass, poindexterous new leader of the F.C.C., is proposing a broad expansion of indecency rules (free signup required), which were significantly toughened just last year.

In addition to significant increases in fines and new procedures that could jeopardize station licensing, some have even suggested it may be time to extend the indecency rules to cable and satellite providers.

I pay good money for HBO because I wanna see titties and hear eff words; if I didn't, I'd CANCEL THE SERVICE. What part of this is too hard for these numbnuts to understand?

We'll keep our eyes on this one for sure.

Bobcat Goldthwait, Director

With no Police Academy sequels to keep him busy, irritating comic Bobcat Goldthwait has been working as the director of The Jimmy Kimmel Show for six months.

Bobcat on headsets? Man, the cameramen must be deaf.

Fox Blocker: Over 100 Units Sold

Remember the device that allows Fox News haters to block out the signal?

Preliminary figures are in: since we first reported the story... only 100 people have bought the FoxBlocker.

The device has attracted both love letters- and death threats- from polarized tv viewers. Meanwhile, Fox News continues to double CNN's ratings and nearly quadruple MSNBC's.

Oprah Wants Sheep To Rent Her Beach House

Hawaii, look out: O is on the way.

Trying to inject herself into every aspect of her brainwashed audience's lives, Oprah Winfrey is looking into the vacation rental business.

The Maui County Council has given preliminary approval to a bill granting O.W. Ranch LLC apermit to operate a 12-bedroom vacation rental.

Man, that breakfast buffet is gonna be somethin'.

Good Day at The Office

The Office, a NBC-ized version of the fantastic BBC cult hit, won its time slot in its Thursday debut. It held virtually the entire audience watching The Apprentice.

The true test happens tomorrow, when The Office moves to its regular Tuesday time slot.

Miss America Nearing Deal

After more than five months in dating limbo since being dropped by ABC, the Miss America pageant appears to have a serious suitor (subscription required). No word yet on who's pitching.

The show is bring pitched as a multi-part reality/pageant series.

Desperate For 99 Words: 3/27/05

Here's the premiere edition of TVGS's newest feature (our 99 word Desperate Housewives recap) by our newest Geek (Mixer).

This week in the land of the rampant running MILF, neighborhood hooah Maisy Gibbons is arrested. Her little black book with Rex’s name leaks out, leading to WASPY stares at the country club. Raw sewage pays a visit to Gabrielle and Carlos’ house, and they can’t afford a plumber. Ghetto-like antics ensue. Lynette’s kids are blamed for a lice outbreak, Felicia chides Paul about his wife’s past, and Susan and Edie break into Paul’s house to see if he’s a murderer. Mike wants Susan back, but she’s still distraught over his crime riddled past. They suck face anyway. Harlot!

Desperate for 99 Words airs every Monday.

For daily TV Headlines, features, and trivia, tune in to your inner geek at!

Tonight's Tube

It’s time for a new Bachelor on ABC! And if you can’t get enough of the new Shit King of Romance, Sci-Fi Channel will run 9 episodes of Charile O’Connell’s old, failed series Sliders. I’ll skip all 10 hours of the Charlie-thon and stick to 24. Which, of course, means I’ll miss Don Knotts’ special guest appearance on Las Vegas. Oh, the price we pay.

The Geek Files: Take The X Train

This week, Pusher shares one of her adventures in time shifting (why doesn't she just get a TiVo?).

As I returned home last night on a 9:06 train I realized that for a 9 year period, I never took this train. Why? I had to be home to watch The X-Files. If I couldn't make the 7:30pm train, I just crashed at my parents and went straight to work the next morning.

Then there was "The Great Boston Bus Incident" of May 2000. The season 7 finale was on that night and I took the 4pm bus home from visiting my sister in Boston. It was always scheduled to get it to the station at 8:30pm but was perpetually early. I never walked through my front door later than 8:40pm. PLENTY of time to catch the opening tease of the show.

This day in May of 2000 was going just as smoothly until the driver made one fateful turn. My thoughts went something like this:

8:00 on Ninth Avenue? You fool! The Ninth Avenue Food Festival was this weekend. They'll still be cleaning up. The police won't have the barriers down yet. We can't get through. The X-Files starts in ONE hour. Are you insane?!

8:05 OK - it's just a little after 8 o'clock. We can still get in on time and I should make it home by 8:50.

8:20 I can't believe we've been sitting here for 20 minutes and have not moved an inch. I can't believe that I have the VHS I tape all of my XF episodes on in my bag and not in my VCR! I am a MORON. I'm going to miss the one where Mulder gets abducted and Scully reveals that she's pregnant! Arghhhh! (Yes I was spoiled.)

8:30 Holy Mary mother of god, we're moving. We're actually moving.

8:32 Fuck. We've stopped.

8:33 Stupid red light... Green! Thank you! Go, go, go!

8:45 I never thought I could kiss the floor of Port Authority. (I would have too- if it wouldn't have used up even more precious time.) I will never make it home in 15 minutes. It's impossible. Why don't I carry cab fare? Why? Why?

8:46 Bless you "A" Train. You're here and you're an express. Keeping my fingers crossed will make my connecting subway train wait in the next station for me.

8:49 Yes! No! You're not my local train. Screw it. I have to keep moving. I'll take this express and have a longer walk. Must. Keep. Moving.

8:52 Dude, that was fast. Now to turn my normal 20 minute leisurely walk into a 6 minute sprint carrying a 20 lb backpack.

8:53 Run. Run. Run. Run. Run. Run.

8:55 Look left to see if the bus is coming down the street to save me.

8:55:05 Fuck.

8:55:10 Run. Run. Run. Run.

8:57 Run. Run. Run while finding key. Run.

8:58 Open front door and thank the gods above that the elevator is actually working.

8:58:05 Wipe sweat. Find VHS.

8:58:45 Freaking ancient, slow elevator! Open!

8:59 Burst open the door, run to my TV, pop in the VHS, cue it up...

9:00 Hit record.

9:01 I seriously rock!

Pusher's The Geek Files airs every Monday.

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