If television were perfect...
The Desperate Housewives
would all be allowed to go topless for sweeps.Arrested Development
would be cancelled by Fox, picked up by HBO, and allowed to thrive in the creative environment it deserves.
Star Jones, Rosie O'Donnell, and any fired Apprentice would never be able to find work again.
The producers of ER
would admit their creative bankruptcy and gracefully decline NBC's generous 3 year renewal.Everybody Loves Raymond
would have ended years ago, while it was still funny.
Baby Bob would have died of SIDS, sparing us the hideous Quizno's commercials.
TLC would stop cloning Trading Spaces
, a show even its management admits has run its course.
Standalone TiVos would be able to record two channels at once, be easily upgradeable to HD, and allow you to create a queue for dumping shows to tape.
Showtime would somehow get viewers to sample the excellent Family Business
and Penn & Teller: Bullshit
!, and forget Fat Actress
MTV would just shut down.
Three words: More Reno 911
Three more words: Less Queer Eye
Each episode of Alias
would have a three wig minimum.
Eliza Dushku would get a decent series.
The new gay cable networks would include a token "Lipstick Lesbian" hour of mainstream girl-on-girl groping- you know, to keep the ratings up.
They'd make a real show out of Geico's Tiny House
? Dumped. Bachelorette
? History. Contender
? Knocked out. Apprentice
? Sacked. Survivor
would get a higher profile slot, and air completely uncut.
No more Law & Order
s or CSI
The only television Paris Hilton would make would involve her being naked in front of a nightshot lens.
The FCC would fine any network that misses the first pitch of an inning due to a badly timed commercial over-run.
And finally... Emeril would receive an electric shock to the genitals each time he yells "BAM!"Static From The Geek In Chief airs every Wednesday, and is in HD where available.