Wednesday, April 20, 2005

King of CNN "Never Had An Opinion" on King Of Pop

116 year-old CNN yakker Larry King says he's formed no opinions about Michael Jackson's guilt or innocence on child-molestation charges.

If you're like me, you're probably asking: why do we even care? Well, because he's been subpoenaed Jackson's lawyers to testify for the defense.

Will he be forced into court? If he is, he insists, "I'll just tell the truth."

Panic at Today?

With Today's ratings fading faster than Matt Lauer's hairline, NBC execs have been saying all the right things. But they're clearly concerned.

NBC on Tuesday shitcanned Tom Touchet, the chief executive behind their highly profitable morning show. The program is clearly feeling the heat from ABC's Good Morning America. MSNBC veteran Phil Griffin is on tap to replace him.

Clearly, the show's format has become a bit stale. But changing it too much could hurt the bottom line. Not an easy situation for Katie & Co. to be in.

Our prediction: GMA is number one by the end of the November sweep. Write it down.

No Rush For Martha Movie

Turns out that second Martha Stewart movie won't be ready by May, as expected.

CBS announced yesterday that Martha: Behind Bars, originally scheduled to air at the end of sweeps (May 25), will air "at a later date." In its place, the network will air Amber Frey: Witness for the Prosecution, originally scheduled for May 22.

The movie stars Cybill Shepherd in her second go round as Stewart.

National Blogcasting Company

NBC could create Internet blogs for its top news anchors and celebrity interviewers as it seeks to maintain the appeal of U.S. network news, its top executive said on Tuesday.

NBC Underboss Jeff Zucker said entering the blogpsphere might help networks keep viewers who increasingly turn to the Internet for news.

Personally, I'm clamoring to read a blog for the ever-expanding Lisa Myers. I need to know what she's consuming on a meal by meal basis.

Anti-TV Freaks a Turnoff

The Boob-Tube Gestapo are at it again.

It's once again time for TV-Turnoff Week, which is an annual plea to “Turn off TV, turn on life.” The Washington, D.C.-based TV-Turnoff Network invites viewers to pull the plug on TV, the Internet and video games from Monday April 25 through May 1.

I just thought you guys would like to know. If you're reading this page, I'm pretty sure you won't be going tubeless for an entire week.

Everybody Loves Men More Than Raymond

Looks like Everybody Loves Raymond is showing its age.

Monday's episode of Raymond pulled in lower numbers than usual. The better news for CBS: its leadout Two and a Half Men actually improved on Raymond.

That's got CBS pumped up for a Raymond-less fall.

Static From The Geek-In-Chief: If Television Were Perfect...

If television were perfect...

The Desperate Housewives would all be allowed to go topless for sweeps.

Arrested Development would be cancelled by Fox, picked up by HBO, and allowed to thrive in the creative environment it deserves.

Star Jones, Rosie O'Donnell, and any fired Apprentice would never be able to find work again.

The producers of ER would admit their creative bankruptcy and gracefully decline NBC's generous 3 year renewal.

Everybody Loves Raymond would have ended years ago, while it was still funny.

Baby Bob would have died of SIDS, sparing us the hideous Quizno's commercials.

TLC would stop cloning Trading Spaces, a show even its management admits has run its course.

Standalone TiVos would be able to record two channels at once, be easily upgradeable to HD, and allow you to create a queue for dumping shows to tape.

Showtime would somehow get viewers to sample the excellent Family Business and Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, and forget Fat Actress.

MTV would just shut down.

Three words: More Reno 911.

Three more words: Less Queer Eye.

Each episode of Alias would have a three wig minimum.

Eliza Dushku would get a decent series.

The new gay cable networks would include a token "Lipstick Lesbian" hour of mainstream girl-on-girl groping- you know, to keep the ratings up.

They'd make a real show out of Geico's Tiny House ads.

Bachelor? Dumped. Bachelorette? History. Contender? Knocked out. Apprentice? Sacked. Survivor? Exiled.

MI-5 would get a higher profile slot, and air completely uncut.

No more Law & Orders or CSIs.

The only television Paris Hilton would make would involve her being naked in front of a nightshot lens.

The FCC would fine any network that misses the first pitch of an inning due to a badly timed commercial over-run.

And finally... Emeril would receive an electric shock to the genitals each time he yells "BAM!"

Static From The Geek In Chief airs every Wednesday, and is in HD where available.

Tuesday Trivia Solved: The Sopranos week, day 2

How long was Richie Aprile in prison?

A) Seven years
B) Ten years
C) Fifteen years
D) Twenty years

Answer: B) Ten years