Friday, April 22, 2005

Trump Harumphs

Billionaire big mouth Donald Trump swatted his rich reality rivals last night.

While dismissing bowtied attorney Bren Olswanger, The Donald ranted: "Branson went after me — I killed him!" Trump declared. "Cuban went after me — I killed him!

Of course, both aren't actually dead- but their Apprentice-like reality shows are.

When You Diss Upon A Star

Reports that Star Jones is out at E! are "unfortunate and misleading," E! president Ted Harbert said yesterday.

He insists no decision has been made on Jones' red carpet contract, which has expired. Of course, that's not exactly a vote of confidence.

She's history... bet on it.

Survivor 10 in 99- Plus! Week Ten

99 word recap: Janu was upset that Coby was gone and freaked out on Katie. Tom, Gregg, Caryn and Janu won a reward of a feast in a Palauan village. In the immunity challenge, the survivors had to stay under a grate as the tide slowly submerged them. Because Janu was the first to give up, she was sent to an isolated island alone for the night. Tom won immunity. Janu felt fulfilled after her night alone. Gregg convinced everyone to vote out Stephenie instead of Janu. At tribal council, Janu decided to quit after Stephenie made a passionate plea to continue.

If I had a vote: It was the smart move to try to eliminate Stephenie, but Janu helped her survive another day. I probably would have stuck by Stephenie and voted for Janu.

My favorite so far: I was disappointed that Tom and Ian went along with the plan to vote out Stephenie. She's still my favorite and I'm glad she's still around. The snake in the grass is Gregg. I hope someone moves against him soon.

Vito's Survivor 10 in 99- Plus!airs every Friday on

Thursday Trivia Solved: The Sopranos week, day four

What did Patsy steal from the construction site?

A) Fiber optic cable
B) Copper pipes
C) Marble sinks
D) Tires

Answer: A) Fiber optic cable

The Friday "Eff Off!" Cold Case

Ok, I know it's a pretty good show.

I know it gets pretty good numbers, even though it has one of the most desired slots in all of TV, following 60 minutes every week.

I know it has great writing, a talented cast and requires more than a 6th grade education to understand and appreciate, separating it from the majority of flotsam currently polluting the broadcasting landscape.

But, I will NOT watch Cold Case because that chick refuses to let her hair do anything else but stay in that damn scrunchie!

She's so damn hott! Just let it down!!!

Every Friday, Uncle Buster writes 99 word reviews of shows he refuses to watch right here on The Friday "Eff Off!"

Aching News: Special Launch Edition

From the desk of MC Hatorade of the Associated Hate Press International:

Good day. Allow myself to introduce. I am MC Hatorade. I have been given this name, because I have so much hate running through my veins, my "friends" often say that I must be drinking a hate-filled beverage all day long to be so angry and bitter.

I have been given the lovely opportunity to contribute to, because of my insight into the television business, especially news. I have worked in some capacity for every major network, and several cable ventures as well. I was even one of the first people to host and produce a show that was created strictly for the internet. Okay, I am dating myself. Actually, I am indeed dating myself. I can't seem to hold onto a girlfriend for more than a couple weeks.

Anyhoo, I will be critiquing a much-scrutinized area of television these days, TV news. The 24 hour news networks, the little three network news anchors, local news stations, and I'll even throw in some digs on Court TV, C-Span and CNBC, just to make things fun. So, just to give you an idea of where I'm coming from, get a little taste of how I view the three major 24-hour news networks as a whole.

CNN: A network that seems convinced that the Tsunami was caused by the state of Israel, and pretty much everything else that is evil in the world somehow must have been ordered out of Jerusalem as well. Okay, I don't really believe that everyone at CNN feels this way, but I never know whose side they are on.

I mean, I guess that in some ways, constant skepticism makes CNN the most objective of the three major news networks, but sometimes I feel like all they want to do is find fault with everything. Can't there ever be a clean victory for a Republican or a Democrat?

What CNN needs to do is do what they do best 24 hours a day: cover news. But can they please try to not come off as so smart? During the famed "nanny" trial of Louise Woodward from a couple years back, of course CNN calls her the more fancy word, an "au-pair." Sorry, but Bobby and Jimmy from WheretheheckamI, AL aren't too familiar with this word. This is exactly what Roger Ailes means when he says that the media talks down to its viewers, and CNN's Ivy League presentation, while fine for many of us, has cost them viewers.

MSNBC: A network that re-invents itself every 15 minutes, and becomes reborn even worse than it was before, full of another new format full of unwatchable programming. I guess it makes sense that its new slogan features the "15 minute guarantee." This, of course, guarantees fresh headlines every fifteen minutes. Well, if they have to promise that they have news every fifteen minutes, then something must really be wrong. I mean, what else would they have on a news network?

My question is, if they don't have any new headlines to report every fifteen minutes, do they just steal a wacky story off of the Drudge Report, or do they just make some shit up? Probably a little bit of both.

FNC: The evil empire of cable news can be summed up in the immortal words of Sheppard "I'll run you over" Smith. In the early days of the war in Iraq when control over Baghdad was very much in doubt, the inbred southern succotash-snacking swashbuckler turned to the camera and said, "Don't worry folks, we're gonna get this thing done." We're gonna get this thing done? Who is we? Look, I am not rooting for Saddam, but good lord.

We report, you decide? How about we decide what we report, and how. I guess all news networks seem to follow that last mantra these days. Oh, and there was that other moment that comes to mind when anchor, yes, anchor, Brigitte Quinn read the following headline off of the teleprompter. Yes, the following was copy that was actually written:

BQ: "Well, another Hollywood liberal is whining about the President again."

Conservative or not, the fact of the matter is, FNC has blurred the line between news and commentary so much that they've become the number one news network on cable. Is the latter really a function of the former? Maybe so.

Now, I know some of the revelations I have discussed here are not necessarily groundbreaking, I just want readers to have an idea of where I am coming from so that they can appreciate my thoughts better as I go forward.

Until next week, pour yourself a tall glass of hate, shut up and get in the car.

Aching News airs every Friday on