From the desk of MC Hatorade of the Associated Hate Press International:
Good day. Allow myself to introduce. I am MC Hatorade. I have been given this name, because I have so much hate running through my veins, my "friends" often say that I must be drinking a hate-filled beverage all day long to be so angry and bitter.
I have been given the lovely opportunity to contribute to tvgeekspeak.com, because of my insight into the television business, especially news. I have worked in some capacity for every major network, and several cable ventures as well. I was even one of the first people to host and produce a show that was created strictly for the internet. Okay, I am dating myself. Actually, I am indeed dating myself. I can't seem to hold onto a girlfriend for more than a couple weeks.
Anyhoo, I will be critiquing a much-scrutinized area of television these days, TV news. The 24 hour news networks, the little three network news anchors, local news stations, and I'll even throw in some digs on Court TV, C-Span and CNBC, just to make things fun. So, just to give you an idea of where I'm coming from, get a little taste of how I view the three major 24-hour news networks as a whole. CNN:
A network that seems convinced that the Tsunami was caused by the state of Israel, and pretty much everything else that is evil in the world somehow must have been ordered out of Jerusalem as well. Okay, I don't really believe that everyone at CNN feels this way, but I never know whose side they are on.
I mean, I guess that in some ways, constant skepticism makes CNN the most objective of the three major news networks, but sometimes I feel like all they want to do is find fault with everything. Can't there ever be a clean victory for a Republican or a Democrat?
What CNN needs to do is do what they do best 24 hours a day: cover news. But can they please try to not come off as so smart? During the famed "nanny" trial of Louise Woodward from a couple years back, of course CNN calls her the more fancy word, an "au-pair." Sorry, but Bobby and Jimmy from WheretheheckamI, AL aren't too familiar with this word. This is exactly what Roger Ailes means when he says that the media talks down to its viewers, and CNN's Ivy League presentation, while fine for many of us, has cost them viewers. MSNBC:
A network that re-invents itself every 15 minutes, and becomes reborn even worse than it was before, full of another new format full of unwatchable programming. I guess it makes sense that its new slogan features the "15 minute guarantee." This, of course, guarantees fresh headlines every fifteen minutes. Well, if they have to promise that they have
news every fifteen minutes, then something must really be wrong. I mean, what else would they have on a news network?
My question is, if they don't have any new headlines to report every fifteen minutes, do they just steal a wacky story off of the Drudge Report, or do they just make some shit up? Probably a little bit of both.FNC:
The evil empire of cable news can be summed up in the immortal words of Sheppard "I'll run you over" Smith. In the early days of the war in Iraq when control over Baghdad was very much in doubt, the inbred southern succotash-snacking swashbuckler turned to the camera and said, "Don't worry folks, we're gonna get this thing done." We're
gonna get this thing done? Who is we
? Look, I am not rooting for Saddam, but good lord.
We report, you decide? How about we decide what we report, and how. I guess all news networks seem to follow that last mantra these days. Oh, and there was that other moment that comes to mind when anchor, yes, anchor, Brigitte Quinn read the following headline off of the teleprompter. Yes, the following was copy that was actually written:
BQ: "Well, another Hollywood liberal is whining about the President again."
Conservative or not, the fact of the matter is, FNC has blurred the line between news and commentary so much that they've become the number one news network on cable. Is the latter really a function of the former? Maybe so.
Now, I know some of the revelations I have discussed here are not necessarily groundbreaking, I just want readers to have an idea of where I am coming from so that they can appreciate my thoughts better as I go forward.
Until next week, pour yourself a tall glass of hate, shut up and get in the car.Aching News airs every Friday on TVGeekSpeak.com.