Monday, April 25, 2005

Screw "TV Turnoff Week:" Watch Double the Tube!

It's that time of year again- when a few pathetic muckrakers begin their annual campaign to get us to Turn Off Our TVs and go do something more constructive.

Feh! Who are they to tell me to skip Scrubs, to flip off The Office, to desert Lost?

It's about time somebody took a stand against these busybodies. Since this is the first year TVGeekSpeak has been in existence, we're lashing out at this bogus and smugly self-righteous attempt to control our hearts and minds.

We propose all tube freaks (if you're reading this site, you qualify) boycott this... well... boycott by watching twice as much tube this week. You know, to keep the average up.

Stay tuned to TVGeekSpeak all week for more anti-anti-TV propaganda. Because remember... a mind is a terrible thing to waste- waste, that is, on another activity when you could be watching Full House reruns.

Schieffer: I'm Done in 2007

Spry whippersnapper and interim CBS Evening News seat-filler Bob Schieffer says he's retiring in February 2007- no matter what.

You know, while he still has a few real teeth left.

Today Troubles

Great article in today's New York Times (free signup required) about behind the scenes troubles at morning champ Today.

Clearly, panic has begun setting in over at 30 Rock. Can Katie be stopped in time to save NBC's golden goose?

Coming Soon To Cut-Out Bins Near You

The band of American Idol finalist Constantine Maroulis, the long-haired butcher who belted out a spleen-rupturingly horrendous version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" the only time I was forced to sit through an episode, will release their first CD on May 10.

It was recorded before the singer became the show's latest mediocre megastar.

Rosie and Burnett In Host Spat

She says she was offering to help out in Dave's time of need. He says Rosie was trying to steal his job out from under him. Either way, it seems that the folks at Late Show with David Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell ain't exactly buddy-buddy these days.

Rosie claims she put in a call to everybody's favorite CBS Shit-King, Les Moonves, to help out and sit in while Dave recovered from his heart ailment. Rob Burnett, the EP of Late Show, called bullshit and accused Rosie of swooping in before the body was cold.

Best quote comes from Burnett: "And the last thing I want to do is get into a fight with a powerful celebrity who has a blog read by tens of people." HA!

Once Reality Sets In, How Low Will Miss America Go?

The Miss America Pageant, which is in need of an Extreme Makeover, is still looking for a TV home for its 2005 contest. They're pitching it as a reality series, "opening the doors" and giving the world an inside look at the once sacred, never-before-seen world of the contestants.

Would they go American Idol (viewers vote off horrific contenders)? Big Brother (living in a cramped house together)? Fear Factor (eating testicles)?

I say take it a step further, and put all the contestants on a desert island, Survivor style. Let 'em talk about their platforms with dirty faces, ripped clothes and hairy pits. For the talent competition, they could show how to scale a fish with a hairclip, or how to start a fire using two sticks and a can of Aqua Net.

Of course even if they did this... I'm sooo not watching. But I'll bet somebody would.

NBC on NFL: Right Place, Right Time

NBC says its re-entry into the football business is no admission that the network fumbled when they let the NFL go eight years ago.

I have a three letter response to that statement: X-F-L.

Thank you! Good night!

The Geek Files: The Fine Line Between Geek- And Stalker

What happens when a Geek comes face to face (well, almost) with a major motivator of said Geekdom? This week's The Geek Files investigates!

In case I was too subtle, the title of this column and my screen name both pay homage to The X-Files and two weeks ago I met my god. - Yes, David Duchovny. OK. So I didn't "meet him" meet him. But he now knows I exist and I don't think I came off all fan-girly.

A good friend of mine (also a Geek) actually made my dream come true by getting me a ticket to The Tony Danza Show for a pre-taped interview with DD. I was in the "cheap seats" in the sense of not getting on camera (which I was eternally grateful for since I cut out of work that day) but I had the best seat in the house in terms of being situated directly in DD's eye-line. When he wasn't politely looking at TD during the interview, he was looking right at me! I like to think we had more than a few "moments."

I can't give away what happens since the episode hasn't aired yet but I can relate one cool story. DD also had to pre-tape one trivia question for a future contest the show is doing. DD said before he read the question aloud that he didn't even know the answer. I had a feeling I would be the only one who did know it... and I was right. (Being the only audience member under the age of 55 probably helped my chances a bit.) After DD recorded the question I joking tossed my hand up in the air knowing that he would see me. We had this exchange:

DD: "Do you know the answer?"
Pusher: "Yeah."
DD: "What is it?"
Pusher: "blah-blah-blah" (Again, I can't divulge the answer here since it hasn't aired yet.)
DD: "Really? Is that it?"
Pusher: "Yeah."
DD: "See, I didn't know that."
Pusher: "Will you leave Tea and marry me?"
DD: "In a heartbeat."

OK, so that last exchange didn't happen outside of my imagination but the rest is all true and I owe this fellow Geek my first born for allowing me my first DD encounter (as long as I can still name the kid Fox).

Pusher, while not fighting to have her last name legally changed to "Scully," writes The Geek Files every Monday.

Tonight's Tube

A pretentious therapist in a hat and umbrella attempts to fix two dorks' dysfunctional union on Fox's Marriage 911? Bo Derek on 7th Heaven? Back to back Fear Factors?

Man, sweeps can't get here soon enough.