Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Sportztyme! The Real Sportz Emmys

NBC/HBO mouthpiece Bob Costas won, like, his 540th Emmy award this past week. I work with people that must get paid by the word, and they have framed pictures of Costas on their desks.

Since these awards are 150% subjective and arbitrary, I'd like to hand out some of my own Emmy awards, for attributes and traits that fans actually notice and/or care about.

The Emmy for Realizing Fans Are Stupid And Will Continue To Pay Exorbitant Prices: To Major League Baseball teams and the cable companies who continue to squabble over rights fees and contracts, depriving fans of seeing their local team on a nightly basis. Sure, 150 bucks will get you every game, but remember when teams were on for free? Another reason the 80s were so awesome.

The Emmy for Guilty Pleasures: To the WWE. Yes it's not sports. Yes, it's childish, juvenile, and demeaning to females. Yes, it's all fake, scripted and all that. Yes, I still watch b/c it's some of the funniest stuff on TV. And, unlike half the reality tripe polluting the airways, it's INTENTIONALLY funny!!!

The Nepotism Emmy: To every member of the Caray and Buck families who owe their entire careers to the patriarchs that toiled before them, and with much less talent than was passed on in their DNA.

The Call A Spade A Spade Emmy: To Charles Barkley, who never saw a truth he didn't feel was worth sharing with the public. Charles, don't ever change.

The Thesaurus Emmy: To Dennis Miller, who surely swallowed one before his Monday Night Football gig. Dennis, Socrates called, he'd like his act back.

The Emmy for Least Impactful And Influential Sport: the NHL. 'Nuff said.

The Bucket Of Oats And A New Saddle Emmy: To anyone who still thinks the WNBA is a good idea.

The Keep It Real Emmy: To Stuart Scott who I really feel needs to show us more personality and ethnicity.

The Fill The Black Space Between Commercials Emmy: To ESPN for midweek snoozers like College Softball, Teammates, Celebrity Bowling and the return of the NFL Superstars. Almost enough to get my fat ass off the couch and outdoors to kill time.

Gotta go. Gotta game.

Uncle Buster writes Sportztyme! every Thursday, while awaiting his first Emmy nomination.

Static from The Geek-In-Chief: Upfront And Personal

It's the time of year we TV Geeks have been waiting for. It's the week where the networks, in their eternal wisdom, decide which shows live or die.

What can we expect? Besides more god-awful pilot pickups, numerous mediocre show renewals, and a few mercy cancellations? Not sure, but here's what I'd like to see happen:

Reality sets in. I'd love to see the networks finally clear the decks of all the lame reality time-filler. While I despise most of these shows, I'd grant renewal to Survivor, American Idol, Extreme Makeover and The Apprentice based on their ratings success. All the other inferior, leeching flotsam produced to try to ride the coattails of these shows have no place on a network prime-time schedule. Keep them on Lifetime or TLC, please.

Quality is job one. Last month, the BBC made a pledge you'd never hear an American network make: to produce quality shows instead of trendy, ratings grabbing dung churned out solely for ratings. In such an environment, past shows like Freaks and Geeks, Murder One and Greg the Bunny would have been allowed to continue and crap like Blind Justice, The Mullets and girlsclub would have never made it past a pitch meeting.

Make dramatic changes. Let the renaissance of quality drama continue. There are some promising-sounding pilots out there, like J.J. Abrams' The Catch, Jerry Bruckheimer's The E-Ring and NBC's period cop drama NY-70.

Bunch fresh episodes together. It's simple: scheduling new episodes of serial dramas consecutively, without repeats, works. Alias and 24 both saw ratings growth this season, and the scheduling is at least partly responsible. I personally don't mind waiting until January for the premieres of Lost or Desperate Housewives if I knew I was being rewarded by 22 straight weeks of new episodes.

If it ain't funny, save the money. Everyone is moaning about the lack of quality comedies on the air these days. Yet the networks keep greenlighting witless, unfunny sitcoms like Life on a Stick and Committed. If the pilot isn't clever, different or at least mildly amusing, here's a new idea: save the money and go with a drama. Plenty of good pilots for those floating around.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have one last thing to say: Dammit, renew Arrested Development already. Veronica Mars got her stay of execution; now it's time to let the Bluths stumble forward for another year.

What show is most likely to be cancelled? Vote now in our Idiot Box poll- in the right hand column!

Our Girl Eva Tops Maxim Hot 100 List

A Hot 100 list?

As far as I'm concerned, there's no need to see who the next 99 are. Why look past the perfection of the number one sizzlin' hott Eva Longoria? But we may as well:

Lost's Evangeline Lilly is number two (a fine choice), but J-Gar (No. 3) has exhausted her formerly sky-high hotness quotient by becoming an incubator for B-Fleck's demon seed.

In other TV star rankings, Maxim digs The O.C.'s Rachel Bilson (No. 6), The Simple Life's debu-skank Paris Hilton (No. 20), former slayer Sarah Michelle Gellar (No. 26), Stacked Pamela Anderson (No. 40), the Lost beauty I'd put behind Eva, Emilie de Ravin (47) and former Friend Jennifer Aniston (No. 88).

Coming this summer: look for TVGeekSpeak's list of hottest stars, shows, and anything else we can think of to fill up space.

Comedy Central Dials 911 to Fill In For Chappelle

Comedy Central is callin' the cops to fill in for its biggest draw.

The network has slotted in reruns of Chappelle's Show (instead of the fresh episodes it was planning on running) Tuesdays at 10 p.m. until June 14. Then, the new season of the hilarious Reno 911 takes over.

Still no word on if/when the inexplicably postponed new season of Chappelle's Show will premiere, bitch!

Carnivale Tent Folded By HBO

HBO has decided to cancel Carnivale after two seasons.

The show, widely believed to be the most expensive on TV, failed to increase its viewership this year.

Live Finale For Dying Show

Big news for the six people still watching The Bachelor.

ABC has announced that the smarmy sleazeball in question, Charlie O'Connell, will bestow his final rose live on Monday's finale.

O'Connell said he's "definitely leaning one way" as the finale approaches. So are we- leaning towards not watching. Heavily.

Wolf Devouring Airtime

CNN will debut a three-hour, late-afternoon show hosted by Wolf Blitzer this summer.

The show, which will replace the axed Crossfire and Inside Politics, will "showcase the network's reporting and analytical assets with a special focus on breaking news."

Wow- sounds cutting edge! (Snore) What channel is Divorce Court on again?

Tuesday Trivia Solved: Alias week, day 2

Which page of the Rambaldi manuscript stolen by Anna Espinosa was blank?

A) 47
B) 69
C) 101
D) All of them

Answer: A) 47