Thursday, May 12, 2005

Where The Rubbers Meet The Road

Trojan condoms, sick of their commercials being banished to late night TV, wants to advertise in prime time.

The company believes its new campaign, which stresses health issues like HIV, is appropriate for prime time.

Heck, as long as we have to sit through ads for vaginal dryness, we may as well give one of its main causes its 15 minutes.

That's The News, Folks, And He Is Outta Here

Dennis Miller quit his CNBC talk show yesterday- just weeks before the network planned to shit-can it. Miller apparently hastened the process when he was told of the plans.

His final show will air tomorrow night. Meanwhile, CNBC will add a second airing of the smash ratings megahit Mad Money with Jim Cramer in Miller's timeslot for now.

Lohan's Ample Sweater Meat To Be Featured on Season Finale of SNL

Tara Reid partying protégé Lindsay Lohan will host the season finale of this year's hilariously unfunny Saturday Night Live on May 21.

Coldplay will the musical guest.

It will be Lohan's second appearance as host. According to the network, each of her breasts will be paid scale.

NBC's Zucker: "We Stink"

NBC's King Shit of Fuck Mountain, Jeff Zucker, acknowledges that he will not attempt to gloss over the network's prime-time woes during his network's upfront next week.

"We did not have a very good year," he admits. "We lost Friends and didn't replenish the schedule with newer, fresher hits."

In other startling news, Zucker revealed that the sky is blue, two plus two equals four, and "i" comes before "e" except after "c."

Chappelle Goes To South Africa To Get Healthy

Comedy Central mega-bizzillionaire Dave Chappelle has apparently checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa, the magazine Entertainment Weekly reports.

The comedian's whereabouts have been unknown since Comedy Central abruptly delayed the May 31 launch of the third season of Chappelle's Show, and all his peps have been tight-lipped.

"We don't know where he is," Comedy Central spokesman Tony Fox said. Chappelle's spokesman, Matt Labov, would not comment on the magazine's story.... bitch!

Get Lost! "Born To Run" 5/12/05

This episode only made things more confusing, after a week of finally getting more answers than questions. Michael gets very sick while working on the raft. He's been poisoned, but by whom?

Kate, upon Charlie's suggestion that they will all be "Rich and Famous" once rescued, is determined to get on the raft and off the island... no matter what the cost to others. We learn a little more about her backstory; a visit to her hometown in Iowa; reconnecting with her boyfriend Tom, who ends up dead as she evades capture while visiting her dying mother in the hospital; a sense that she's always on the run.

Meanwhile, secrets are let out on the island- Locke tells Jack about the hatch, and everyone finds out that Kate was the fugitive on the plane. Walt warns Locke not to open the hatch (what is the deal with this kid?). Locke and Jack also seem to make peace, at least for now.

We also meet a "new" character, Dr. Arzt, a science teacher who warns Michael and Jin that they need to sail the raft right away to catch the northward-bound Trade Winds. Walt admits to Michael that he burned the first raft, and that they NEED to get off the island.

What's looming? Next week, the Frenchwomen returns to warn about "The Others." I guess she has a problem with Nicole Kidman films.

JoeVideo writes Get Lost! every Thursday before ritualistically re-watching "Dead Calm."

Wiggin' Out! with Sydney Bristow: Week Eighteen

Welcome to Wiggin' Out! with Sydney Bristow... our exclusive weekly wig count of Alias star and Affleck incubator Jennifer "MILF" Garner.

Episode 4 x 19: "In Dreams"

Boy, they sure gave J-Gar a tough episode to make her directorial debut: a talky, slow-paced yawner high on Sloane clones but with little in the way of action or emotion. Or wigs.

Guess that pregnancy is really slowing our girl down.

"In Dreams" total: 0 wigs

Season total:
13 wigs

Today's Tube

Today, Oprah reveals her weight loss secrets! That's right, dieting secrets from a perpetually chunky talk show host, who's weight yo-yo's more violently than Star Jones in a pile of Payless pumps. Puh-leeease. The only talk show host less qualified to give dieting advice is Dr. Phil. That fat bastard would never dream of giving... oh, wait...

Wednesday Trivia Solved: Alias week, day 3

In what city did Syd prove her worth by riding a mechanical bull?

A) Milan
B) Moscow
C) Berlin
D) Houston

Answer: B) Moscow.