Friday, May 13, 2005


As we await NBC's upfront announcement on Monday, the rumors are already swirling that Law & Order: Trial By Jury is getting the chop. Damn.

Good news: the same sources are saying the critically embraced but little-watched comedy The Office will return.

We'll have to wait until after the weekend to find out for sure.

Silverman Bringing Magic to Comedy Central

Perhaps looking at filling the gaping void the institutionalized Dave Chappelle has left in its schedule, Comedy Central has signed the hilarious Sarah Silverman to star in a variety/sketch show pilot for the network.

Silverman will play a version of herself- an ambition-free, detached and eccentric woman. If it's anything like her brilliant one woman show Jesus Is Magic, we're in for a treat- a sick, twisted, uncomortably side-splitting treat.

End-of-Season Carnage: Tim Goodman Writes Another Winner

Our favorite TV columnist, the brilliant Tim Goodman of the San Fransisco Chronicle, writes another great column today. It begins:

It's season finale time on television, and that can only mean one thing: A whole bunch of people are going to die.

Lots of hilarious stuff in there... check it out.

CSI:99 "Iced"

Here's our 99 word recap of this week's CSI.

Dead coeds: C.O.D.? Carbon Dioxide. Pink skin, vomit, and a hole in the wall beg the question - can dry ice create lethal CO levels? Apparently, yes - proved by a broken-hearted R.A.

Blindfolded body in a crop circle: Radar indicates a helicopter which implicates a reality show. A contestant pushed out 4 feet above ground believed he was at 1,000. Fear induced a heart attack.

Stolen corpse found wearing a party hat: Fingerprints lead to an EMT throwing a farewell party for a dying friend. He died before the party but his friends didn't want him to miss it.

Pusher writes CSI:99 every Friday from her dorm room.

Survivor 10 in 99- Plus! 5/12/05

99 word recap: After last week's loss of Gregg, Jen’s back was to the wall. In order to prevent the women from conspiring, Tom told Ian that if either of them won the reward, the winner should take one of the women. So when Ian won a new Corvette and a night in a mansion, he took Tom. Jen then got Caryn and Katie to agree to vote out Ian or Tom. When the boys returned, Katie guilted Ian for taking Tom and made him cry. Tom won immunity. Caryn exposed all the scheming at tribal council. The tribe sent her home.

If I had a vote: Thank god that Caryn finally got voted out! She has been lame in every challenge and has been riding coattails the whole way.

My favorite so far: The only satisfying conclusion now is if Tom wins. Ian made stupid mistakes and almost lost the game for him and Tom. He was pathetic taking abuse from Katie. Tom is the only one who deserves to win.

Vito writes Survivor 10 in 99 every Friday, in the backseat of his 'Vette, parked in the driveway of his mansion. Yup. He really does.

Aching News: Below The Fold

From the Desk of MC Hatorade at United Hate Press International

“I don’t know, what’s in the New York Times?”

This is the phrase you will sometimes hear news producers all across the country say to each other in “morning meetings,” when they discuss what the news of the day is.

What I am “fixing” to say is, the TV News media still follows print, and very rarely makes news on its own. Sure, a newspaper can’t be on the scene the way TV news can, and this is what makes TV news compelling, but I can assure you, that 90% of stories you see on Headline News, CNN, and every local station in the country first appeared in a newspaper, magazine or on-line column. Sure TV News must rely on the wires, and news organizations around the world to get reports, but relying too heavily on print can burn you.

Recently this process actually burned MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough to a crisp.

Following an article published in the London Evening Standard, which had reported that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wanted to blow up the moon, so that women’s menstrual cycles (perhaps influenced by lunar activity) wouldn’t be so troublesome to men, Scarborough went on a tirade about what a crazy idea this was. I agree. Blowing up the moon is indeed a crazy idea. I think we can all agree on that, in fact one scientist told me that blowing up the moon could cause big problems for the earth.

The real problem is, Schwarzenegger never said it. In fact, it was a Schwarzenegger impersonator who performed a gag on the venerable Howard Stern Show. Somehow, this item was published by The Standard as a real story.

Nice one Joe. Way to make sure the story is good before going to air.

Look, truth be told, I was never really a big fan of Mr. Scarborough’s style on television, but I’ll let him apologize, and I’ll give him another chance, because MC Hatorade is a forgiver. Let’s see if he can learn from this and turn Scarborough Country into a land I might want to visit.

Let this be a lesson to all in the TV news business. How about coming up with some of your own stories once in a while, instead of doing a three-part series on what was reported in Popular Mechanics, JAMA, or the NY Times. This way, if YOUR story ain’t right, you’ll only have yourselves to blame.

Until next week, pour yourself a tall glass of hate, shut up and get in the car.

Thursday Trivia Solved: Alias week, day 4

What is in box 1062 in the Bank of Wittenberg?

A) The Rambaldi Device
B) Top Secret Documents
C) The last remaining Rambaldi formula
D) Security codes for a missing nuke

Answer B) Top Secret Documents.