Friday, May 20, 2005

Ray Loves Sitcoms No More

Ray Romano says his sitcom days are over.

"I think I've done that," Romano said in an interview with Fox News Channel's Alan Colmes that aired Wednesday and Thursday. "As far as network sitcoms go, that's my legacy. So I don't want to touch that."

Now he can concentrate on making more smash hit movies like Welcome to Mooseport.

Topher Trades Up

Did Topher Grace make a good decision leaving the well-past-its-prime That 70's Show?

Um, yeah.

He'll star in Spiderman 3 as a yet undisclosed villain. Shooting is expected to begin next year.

As an aside, with Grace and his pal Ashton Kutcher leaving the show, will anyone tune in to see a show starring the thrill-a-minute Wilmer Valderrama as the lead?

Simple Dead?

Will there be another season of Fox's The Simple Life?

Sure, they said at the upfronts. But that's no guarantee. And with soft ratings for the last few episodes, and the bitter breakup of our heroes Paris and Nicole, it's anyone's guess if this former leader in the world of Train Wreck Television will actually return.

Which really is fine, since this one-joke show wore thin after about four episodes.

GMA Breathing Down Today's Neck

Good Morning America closed the gap with Today to 40,000 viewers last week, according to final Nielsens released yesterday.

Earlier this week, the gap was estimated at 70,000 viewers- but, when all was said and done, 30,000 Today viewers evaporated. Those bastards.

The Friday "Eff Off!" Alias

Alias. Used to love it.

Intriguing concept, inventive plot lines, engaging actors, brilliant writing. It had it all.

Then Jennifer Garner goes and exchanges DNA with a lowlife, drunk, no-talent, liberal, Red Sox-loving, skirt-chasing, J-Lo pandering, bad acting, horrid choice making, dirtbag, burnout, Kerry endorsing, Gamblers Anonymous dropout, Matt Damon wanna-be, absolute, bottom of the barrel, anyone on earth including Paul Reubens but him, jerkoff like Ben Affleck.

Don't chicks read the papers? Don't they KNOW better?

You hear that? That's all the respect I ever had for her as an actress and person crashing right out the window.

Uncle Buster details the shows he refuses to watch- and why- in just 99 short words every Friday on

CSI:99 5/19/05

Here's our double-99 word recap of last night's two part, tarantino-helmed CSI season finale.

While processing a body-part drop, Nick is CSI-napped.

Sara finds an evidence-bagged coffee cup from another crime. Warrick screens traffic video for a truck that left a rain void.

A jump drive messengered to the lab provides a webcam of poor Nicky buried alive. Nobody realizes when they refresh the video Nick gets light but loses air.

The kidnapper wants $1 million. Catherine hits up Daddy Braun. Grissom makes the drop. But the kidnapper promptly blows himself up with the cash.

Stunned, the team examines the new crime scene. Something's buried. It's only a dog but the coffin is sent to the lab.

Fingerprinting IDs the kidnapper as the father of an incarcerated female murderer. (DNA on a coffee cup put her away.)

Suffocating when the light's on, Nick shoots it out but the plexiglass cracks letting in millions of fire ants. Grissom pinpoints swarms of this ant-type to plant nurseries. Sara knows the exact location - the kidnapper's daughter studied botany!

The webcam transmitter signal locates Nick. Hodges calls in that the dog's coffin had explosives underneath. To save Nick, dirt is dumped in to equalize the pressure long enough to yank him before the big boom.

Pusher's CSI:99 airs at every Friday.

Aching News: Amber is the Color of Your Exploitation

From the Desk of MC Hatorade at United Hate Press International:

Okay, I know I should be talking about Michael Isikoff this week, the man responsible for two of the most important stories of our time, Lewinskygate, and now Koranskygate; oh and the fact that the President of the United States may have been targeted by some crazy person with a grenade in Georgia (No W, it wasn’t in Macon, it was the other Georgia), but my anger with TV News this week is directed towards the new, disguised news promo that seems to hit our airwaves on a weekly basis, the Amber Alert. Since they, the media, turned their collective backs on those other two stories by mid-week, so will I.

That’s right, on Thursday May 19th, CNN’s lead on “American Morning,” was, above all else, the “Amber Alert” story from Idaho.

The plight of a child, or children in this case, that may have been abducted is beyond devastating to parents, but I feel like the news media uses the “Amber Alert” as programming, rather than as a public service to let people know that a child has potentially been abducted. Why? Because they then run with these stories for as long as they go, giving B-list Hollywood writers plenty of time to craft their made-for-TV-movie screenplays.

“Amber Alert” stories, especially really juicy ones like Elizabeth Smart, fill up tons of time. Why else would all three major news nets sit on the press conferences with the various sheriffs of Mayberry’s across the U.S. for an hour straight to hear them talk about everything that they don’t know?

As soon as the “Amber Alert, sound sounded-off this week, yours truly knew it was another “Hey, we’ve got ourselves a BIG BIG story folks.” I can hear the chatter at the desk of every newsnet on the planet: “Amber Alert, Amber Alert! Someone change all the chyrons and graphics on our air to the color amber, so people at home will get the feeling of the dramatic Amber Alert when we announce it! This is going to be the most amberific Amber Alert yet!”

You don’t believe me? Well get this. This sound is apparently played on radio newscasts across the country when “Ambert Alerts,” are issued. The sound even “sounds,” like a promo. Is this really what they do? Even MC Hatorade doesn’t know, because it sounds too much like a movie trailer to be real. Take a listen.

Look, the plight of missing and abducted children is as sad as sad can be, but who, or whom is the fourth estate kidding? We know there’s a lot more out there they could be talking about. Do your public service and let us know what’s going on, and then ease up a little please, so it doesn't seem like you're happy you have a story to cover.

Until next week, pour yourself a tall glass of hate, shut up and get in the car.

Yo, yo, yo: MC Hatorade writes Aching News every Friday.