Monday, August 15, 2005

Stroke of Midnight: Clark Will Make Ballsy Return

Dick Clark is coming back to Times Square this New Year's Eve.

Clark, 75, will return to ABC for the 34th edition of his New Year's Rockin' Eve telecast after being sidelined by a stroke for last year's festivities. Ryan Seacrest, host of Fox TV's American Idol (as well as the network's New Year's special last year), will co-host.

This saves us from having to endure a few more hours of Regis-hosted programming, at least.

I haven't seen Clark since his stroke, but I know you join me in hoping he has enough control of his tongue to once again French his wife before a national audience.

Ellen Equals Emmys

Ellen DeGeneres will host this year's 57th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. the show is set to air September 18 on CBS television network.

Ellen won numerous Daytime Emmy Awards herself for her highly successful daytime talk show.

Not to be outdone, fellow daytime yakker Tony Danza will host this year's Bay Ridge Pizza and Pepperoni Tossing Contest. Entry fee is $4 and includes all the Pepcid AC you can down.

World News Tonight, Without Peter Jennings

ABC News said Monday it was taking Peter Jennings' name off of World News Tonight.

The network continued calling the show World News Tonight with Peter Jennings as a tribute. Jennings, who anchored the program for more than two decades, died of lung cancer August 7 and made his last appearance on the program April 5.

ABC News President David Westin said he consulted Jennings' family before making the decision.

Does Anyone Really Care What Martha's Apprentice Catchphrase Is?

OK, so the USA Today solicited readers to come up with possible catchphrases that would theoretically be Martha Stewart's "You're Fired." (R) TM (C)

The brilliant responses included "Your goose is cooked," "You're cooked," "You're toast," "You're done" and "You're canned." So creative, Middle Americans are.

If it were really in Martha's boardroom, it'd be closer to "Get the fuck out- and don't let the spatula hit you in the ass on your way out, bitch." But I doubt NBC's standards and practices people will allow that much Martha to be unleashed.

99 Words Under: "Static"

Here's our 99 word recap of this week's Six Feet Under.

Claire's wasted at work, and is shitcanned. Ted takes her home, where Claire abuses a grieving family before shitting all over him. She then DWI's her way to Nate's grave, totalling her deathmobile on her return. Ruth wants custody of Maya. When David won't talk about the future, Rico investigates other options. Brenda contemplates finally diddling Billy, but throws him out instead. David goes insane, has deathly visions, and makes his kids hate him. Keith asks him to leave until he gets better. Maggie tells off George and splits. Brenda's water breaks and she goes into early, depressing labor.

The final 99 Words Under will appear next week. Thank God.