Thursday, September 22, 2005

Tonight's Tube

Tonight marks the premiere of the family friendly Chris Rock vehicle (see article below) Everybody Hates Chris on UPN. CBS launches the new Mandy Patinkin procedural Criminal Minds right after the season premiere of the prodceduralmack daddy, CSI.

And on NBC, Joey is back- and for a full hour! Please try to control your excitement.

A Cancelled Affair

Fox's revival of A Current Affair is toast.

The syndicated newsmagazine, which debuted to mediocre rating in March on Fox-owned stations, is being replaced in October with Geraldo at Large a live half-hour news program hosted by everybody's favorite Fox News reporter, Geraldo Rivera.

A Current Affairoriginally debuted in syndication in 1988, when primetime TV was far less rife with tabloidy newsmags. This time around, it was just another face in the crowd- and not a pretty one, either.

Martha Stewart Gives Up Fur

Martha Stewart says she'll no longer wear fur- and to prove it, she's made a video for PETA.

"I used to wear fur, but like many others, I had a change of heart when I learned what actually happens to the animals," Stewart says in the video.

Apparently, she's against anyone treating animals the way she treats her own staffers.

She's Just As God Made Her

They're real, folks.

Supermodel and new talk show host Tyra Banks underwent a sonogram on her new talk show to prove her sweater meat was the genuine article.

Dr. Garth Fisher (from ABC's Extreme Makeover) got to feel up Banks before the sonogram. He then proclaimed them to be real.

Not to be outdone, Tony Danza plans to get checked for a hernia on his show on Friday.

Rock Shocker: Family Friendly!

A group of major advertisers is touting f-word spewing comedian Chris Rock's new show as perfect "family-friendly" television.

Everybody Hates Chris, UPN's new comedy that Rock created, produced and narrates about his childhood, is being applauded for that appealing to both kids and their parents, without seeming sanitized or preachy.

Of course, it's on UPN, so we'll see if any of that translates into ratings.

Even Oprah Wouldn't Do This For Ratings

A Dutch talk show host plans to take heroin and other illegal drugs on air in a program intended to reach young audiences on topics that touch their lives.

That's quite different from the United States, where viewers need heroin to get through episodes of Yes Dear.

Even in the liberal Netherlands, where marijuana is sold and used openly, the proposed action by the host, Filemon Wesselink, is illegal. Go figure!

Sportztyme! Bonds on the Beltway

Who knew Barry Bonds had a heart?

The reigning home run king, allegedly free from all performance enhancing drugs, says Congress should worry more about the Katrina victims than about steroid use.

How convenient that Bonds grows a social conscience right about the time he plays in Washington D.C. for the first time, and gets questions about steroid hearings in the shadow of the Capitol.

Bonds has not been subpoenaed and has never tested positive for anything. His head just naturally grew to the size of a state fair, blue-ribbon pumpkin. And those 700 home runs he hits while choking up on the bat are the result of years of perfecting his swing. The 40 lbs or so he's put on since his early days in the league? Oh, tell me YOU haven't grown a couple of sizes in the belt line since your college days!

The world could forgive a lot they suspect about Bonds achievements if he wasn't such a Class A jackass. The guy makes Castro look like Santa Claus. He could make Dale Carnegie go on a shooting spree. His contempt for everything and everyone is barely hidden under his massive melon. For someone with such thick arms, he sure has some thin skin.

Bonds was asked about Congressional inquiries into steroid abuse, and rambled that there are "more important things to worry about". He then proceeded to ask the assembled media how much they had donated to the relief efforts. Gee Barry, the plight of the unfortunate has been long documented in this country....well before a storm came and flooded one major city. Why has it taken so long for your empathy to become a priority?

Could it be because you're avoiding steroid inquiries like a hooker avoids a vice cop? Maybe you'd rather not have folks with no personal allegiance to you or your sport nosing around in your business? For someone who is supposedly so clean and legal, you sure do get defensive when anyone mentions the "S" word.

People can correctly argue that he's one of the best offensive players the game has ever seen. Too bad he's also one of the most offensive players the game has ever seen.

Uncle Buster writes Sportztyme! every Thursday.