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Monday, February 13, 2006

Uncle Buster's Sportztyme! Torching the Olympics

I guess there's some pretty good reasons why the Olympics only come around every couple of years. If they were any more frequent, it would be harder to ignore these people.

The opening ceremonies got me going. First of all, between them China and India have over 2.4 billion people. And yet, they combined for 80 athletes in this year's Winter games. 80 friggin' people out of 2 and a half billion. I'd do the math on that percentage, but my calculator doesn't go that high, so I'll just paraphrase by saying it's pretty damn pathetic.

And the music these people walked out to sounded like they came straight from Studio 54 somewhere in lower Manhattan. The aforementioned Indian team walked out to the 70's staple "Funkytown". I never knew Funkytown was in India. Someone told me Ghandi had it in his iPod, but I think that's a little far-fetched.

Bermuda even sent an athlete! One dude who allegedly participates in Skeleton. You know Skeleton, it's Luge- only you're going headfirst. They call it Skeleton because that's what you break when you wreck one of these over-produced Freeze-Flyers. And it's not all that athletic either. If they REALLY want a show, why don't they add a couple of ice jumps in the middle, like all of us daredevils did when we were sledding down the biggest hill in our hometowns.

I thought it was slightly inappropriate of the Denmark team also, when they came out carrying their national flag, but there was a 3 foot doll of Muhammed rammed onto the top of the pole, wearing a Barbie dress carrying an AK-47. The Olympic Spirit isn't supposed to include trash talking, but that would be an improvement over some of these so-called "events".

Like snowboarding, for example. What genius decided this was worthy of international competition? Whoever he or she is, I bet they've got a pot field out their back door the size of South Dakota. These stoners hyped on ganja and maintaining their athletic "prowess" on a steady diet of Mountain Dews and Twix bars are about as close to being world class athletes as I am from becoming Mr. Kiera Knightly. Come on people!!! You include snowboarding, and yet baseball isn't good enough?

NBC's Bob Costas remarked on the first night that German women are good at speedskating. Yo Bob, they're also good at moustache-growing, 'roid-popping, and keg stands. Any of those making into the lineup in 4 years? There's also some German dude who is a speed skater and calls himself the "Speeding White Sausage." I call copyright infringement on that. If you look in my high school yearbook, it clearly states that was MY nickname first.

Oh well, in two weeks we can go back to forgetting all this stuff and concentrate on what's really important. Like who's got first dibs on the suddenly available Heather Locklear!! Call me!!!

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