Monday, February 13, 2006

Senator Al Franken?

...three of the scariest words in the English language.

Even if I could look past his whack-job political rantings, it would help his cause if he was ever even the slightest bit funny on SNL- or anywhere.

In a related story, we're following up on a rumor that Tim Kazurinsky is angling for the 2008 Democratic Presidential Nod... with a chimp as a veep. Stay tuned.

Kwan Won't Help NBC On Ice, Or Off

Michelle Kwan has now screwed NBC about three times, by our count.

She turned down a broadcast booth gig when it looked like she wouldn't make the Olympic team.

She was forced to leave the team Sunday due to the same injury, denting NBC's ratings hopes.

And now she's turned down another NBC offer to jump behind the mic.

Could she have been be the make-or-break piece for NBC's Olympics coverage? Looks like we'll never know... maybe she was holding out for a guest shot on Will & Grace. Crucifixin's on Ice, anyone?

Execs: Lose the Boss

Last year, he crashed a go kart on his unwatchable talk show.

Now, a year later, he's just crashing.

According to the gossip mongers at Page Six, Disney hotshots have finally decided to put the flailing Tony Danza Show out of its misery. And apparently, the neckties are too afraid of how he'll react to tell him.

Guess what: he can read the New York Post too.

And if that's not bad enough for the Danza clan, check out how his daughter has decided to cope with Daddy's disappearing paycheck.

Is the Cougar Next?

Annoying character alert: the smoking hott but storyline-ically challenged Kim Bauer (played by Elisha Cuthbert) returns to 24 tonight.

Maybe the terrorists will off her? And finally keep her off the show forever?



Chiefly, Off The Air

Geena Davis's Commander in Chief is getting a break sooner than expected.

The show will now get yanked after this week's airing. New episodes of the failing drama were supposed to air through February and take a six-week break in March. Now, ABC says the show will return in mid-April.

Sure smells like imminent cancellation to us.

Chilly Reception for Olympics Thus Far

We're just a couple of days in to the Olympics, and NBC is already playing catch-up.

Friday's opening ceremonies drew large, but unspectacular numbers, and fell short of the ratings target the 'Cockers promised advertisers.

The first night of the network's ambitiously ubiquitous over-coverage netted a 12.8 rating and a 21 share, almost a full ratings point behind the target promisted to advertisers. The network now hopes to bring up its average with stronger performances as the games continue. That will be harder than in years past, however, as the other netwprks are counter-programming more aggressively this time around.

The ceremonies did beat the competition easily, however, which included the remaining four episodes of Arrested Development and Dancing with the Stars.

Uncle Buster's Sportztyme! Torching the Olympics

I guess there's some pretty good reasons why the Olympics only come around every couple of years. If they were any more frequent, it would be harder to ignore these people.

The opening ceremonies got me going. First of all, between them China and India have over 2.4 billion people. And yet, they combined for 80 athletes in this year's Winter games. 80 friggin' people out of 2 and a half billion. I'd do the math on that percentage, but my calculator doesn't go that high, so I'll just paraphrase by saying it's pretty damn pathetic.

And the music these people walked out to sounded like they came straight from Studio 54 somewhere in lower Manhattan. The aforementioned Indian team walked out to the 70's staple "Funkytown". I never knew Funkytown was in India. Someone told me Ghandi had it in his iPod, but I think that's a little far-fetched.

Bermuda even sent an athlete! One dude who allegedly participates in Skeleton. You know Skeleton, it's Luge- only you're going headfirst. They call it Skeleton because that's what you break when you wreck one of these over-produced Freeze-Flyers. And it's not all that athletic either. If they REALLY want a show, why don't they add a couple of ice jumps in the middle, like all of us daredevils did when we were sledding down the biggest hill in our hometowns.

I thought it was slightly inappropriate of the Denmark team also, when they came out carrying their national flag, but there was a 3 foot doll of Muhammed rammed onto the top of the pole, wearing a Barbie dress carrying an AK-47. The Olympic Spirit isn't supposed to include trash talking, but that would be an improvement over some of these so-called "events".

Like snowboarding, for example. What genius decided this was worthy of international competition? Whoever he or she is, I bet they've got a pot field out their back door the size of South Dakota. These stoners hyped on ganja and maintaining their athletic "prowess" on a steady diet of Mountain Dews and Twix bars are about as close to being world class athletes as I am from becoming Mr. Kiera Knightly. Come on people!!! You include snowboarding, and yet baseball isn't good enough?

NBC's Bob Costas remarked on the first night that German women are good at speedskating. Yo Bob, they're also good at moustache-growing, 'roid-popping, and keg stands. Any of those making into the lineup in 4 years? There's also some German dude who is a speed skater and calls himself the "Speeding White Sausage." I call copyright infringement on that. If you look in my high school yearbook, it clearly states that was MY nickname first.

Oh well, in two weeks we can go back to forgetting all this stuff and concentrate on what's really important. Like who's got first dibs on the suddenly available Heather Locklear!! Call me!!!