TVGeekSpeak.com

Rejoice! Star Finally Falls

2006-06-27T12:17:00.000-04:00

Whether The View will be watchable once loud-mouthed phony Rosie O'Donnell joins is a major question that needs answering. But a big step in that direction appears to have been taken as it's being reported that Star Jones is getting booted from the show.

Like, very soon. Maybe even next week.

I'd shed a tear for Jones- if she had other work lined up. She doesn't. Apparently, on-air job openings for an abrasive, loud-mouthed, condescending moron are somewhat limited. Who would've thunk it?.

Is ABC Desperate Enough To Move Its Sunday Hits?

2006-04-13T14:09:00.000-04:00

Looking to bolster its prime-time schedule across the board, ABC is considering moving Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives to a different night.

Monday is a prime candidate, with the pending loss of its Monday Night Football franchise. Still, with NBC featuring pigskin on Sundays, it seems wise for ABC to keep that night's schedule skewing female.

It owould be interesting to see how Grey's Anatomywould fare without a mega lead-in; of course, the show has actually outrated its predecessor (Housewives) several times.

No Survivor Behind Bars

2006-04-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

Convicted tax evader and Survivor winner Richard Hatch is being held in protective custody until his sentencing this month.

Hatch, who won $1 million in the show's first season, was found guilty in January of failing to pay taxes on his winnings. The oft-naked contestant asked to be put in protective custody shortly after he was detained.

The charges carry a maximum of 13 years in prison, but lawyers expect him to only get three and a half, allowing for a timely and inevitable reality show comeback.

Flockhart Admits Skipping A Meal or Ninety

2006-04-11T12:18:00.000-04:00

In a revelation that will shock nobody, Calista Flockhart fesses up that she didn't eat much while working on Ally McBeal.

Wonder if the suddenly waif-like Soprano, Jamie Lynn Sigler, got a few tips from the emaciated actress?

Gotta Love a Mobster in Leather

2006-04-10T23:38:00.000-04:00

Thanks, David Chase, for adding one more thing on my list of things I never needed to see: an obese, leather-clad button man in a gay bar, complete with dog collar.

At least we were spared us the assless chaps. This time.

Kiefer Re-Ups For 72

2006-04-10T13:51:00.000-04:00

Tell me where the money is!

24 star Kiefer Sutherland will now get those details without having to torture anyohe, as he has signed an Edgar-sized deal with 20th Century Fox.

The new pact calls for the actor to continue on the hit Fox drama for three more years. It also includes a two-year development deal for Sutherland's new production company.

So much for the show's creators doing away with the Bauer character anytime soon.

Malcolm In The Driver's Seat

2006-04-10T13:50:00.000-04:00

What's Frankie Muniz doing now that Malcolm in the Middle has shot its last episode?

Yeah, we don't care either. But apparently it's news that the 20-year-old has decided to take a break from acting and race cars.

If I were him, I wouldn't waste my time driving in circles. I'd get on the horn with Wilmer Valderama to get help figuring out how to bag me a Lohan or an Olsen twin. But that's just me.

Download ABC For Free

2006-04-10T12:42:00.000-04:00

ABC/Disney has announced they'll stream several shows for free off of the network's website.

The move comes in a two month trial, testing what they call a "new business model." How do they make money? Easily: the technology pretty much forces you to watch the commercials: no fast forwarding is allowed. 10 advertisers, including AT&T, Ford, Procter & Gamble and Universal Pictures have signed on to the no-brainer of force-feeding their ads to a potentially large, and largely captive audience.

The shows, including Commander in Chief, Alias, Lost and Desperate Housewives, will be available on the Web at ABC.com in May and June.

It's Official: Katie to CBS

2006-04-05T11:25:00.000-04:00

The increasingly diva-ish Katie Couric announced this morning that she's leaving NBC, and her seat at Today, one of TV's most profitable shows, for CBS.

She'll become the first full-time female anchor in network evening news history.

It's debatable whether this is a good move for Couric; sure, her hours will improve, but does reading off of a TelePrompTer really play to her strengths? Or will CBS news add cooking segments to The CBS Evening News?

She even took less money to jump on the deck of the News Titanic docked across town on West 57th.

It also seems that NBC is close to signing Meredith Viera to replace Couric, a seemingly great (and $10 million a year cheaper) choice.

Geekspeak predictions? Big May ratings for Couric's farewell, and a slight initial increase for The CBS Evening News when she hops on board, but nothing spectacular. Oh, and Today won't miss a beat ratings wise, and will be infinitely more watchable.

Having met Couric several times in the past, I will say she was easily the most personable, friendly, and down to earth anchor I'd ever worked with. She even accused me of "bogarting" a bag of Sun Chips. Can't picture a Brokaw or a Rather doing that.

Still, fame has a way of changing people, so the recent reports of her divaishness aren't completely surprising.

I hope for the people of CBS that some of the old-school Katie is still in her.

Mark it down.

Lifetime Looks to Correct Desperate Error

2006-04-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

Lifetime, who reportedly passed on Desperate Housewives when it was first shopped, will reportedly acquire repeats of the series.

Effective immedately upon finalization of the deal, the ABC blockbuster drama will re-air on the chick channel within a few days of its Sunday night airing. In addition, it will run five nights a week beginning in 2008.

Much has been made about the network's gaffe in passing on the show, but honestly- would it have been as big a hit on Lifetime? Would they have been able to get the same caliber talent? Somehow I suspect it wouldn't work as well with Delta Burke, Lisa Rinna and Meredith Baxter in the leading roles.

Sons & Daughters: The Best Comedy on TV

2006-04-05T10:35:00.000-04:00

It really is.

This week's shows, especially the party episode, comprised one of the funniest hours on television this year.

It's a shame it continues to flounder in the ratings. S & D is truly smart television, which belongs alongside Arrested Development and Scrubs, two other shows that may not be seen again after this season.

Sportztyme!: Bonds on Bonds

2006-04-05T06:41:00.000-04:00

Uncle Buster sounds off on ESPN's new Barry Bonds "reality" show.

First off, a couple of disclaimers.

I think Barry Bonds is guilty as hell, and a cheat of major league proportions. I hope he never hits another home run, and I don’t consider him in the same category as either Babe Ruth or Hank Aaron.

I also think it’s irresponsible and interest conflicting of ESPN to even carry this kind of program. They like to bill themselves as a sports journalism giant with their annual Emmy-winning SportsCenter, and yet they succumb to this kind of drivel just because Bonds’ name is hot right now. It would be like MSNBC doing a behind the scenes series with Bill Clinton while NBC news is covering his impeachment.

That being said, I tuned in to the series premiere of Bonds On Bonds, their exclusive personal look at the man in the center of baseball’s ongoing steroids probe. I wasn’t expecting to learn things I didn’t know or even cared about. Such were my low expectations, and this poor excuse for entertainment didn’t even come close to meeting them.

Bonds took turns both vilifying and sanctifying his late father, former Giants great Bobby Bonds. It was tough to tell where the love began and the borderline hate ended. Family relationships can be like that, so I’ll give him a pass. But he said that his father’s tough love, telling him how mediocre and undeserving he was as a young athlete helped to make him stronger. He also spoke of how hurtful and negative coverage from the media helped him in the same way. So to hear him tell it; he owes most of his success to a drunk, abusive father and a less-than adoring press.

I didn’t need to see Barry visiting his father’s grave. Some things should be too personal to share, even for a tell-all expose. It also struck of some disingenuous emotions. One moment, he’s bad-mouthing the man for his vices and temperament (while neatly ignoring his own) and the next he is lamenting how much he wishes his father was still around. Even more creepy when laying on the grass next to his headstone.

His former manager Dusty Baker comments on how Barry is just like a “big ol’ kid”, which explains why he acts like such an infant sometimes. Then, 54 minutes in, he finally breaks down with some tears of questionable authenticity. Barry is broken thinking about all the people who depend on him and have to go through the public scrutiny that he has brought upon himself. He weeps for the people who are innocent in his war of words and deeds.

There are roughly 800 players on major league rosters. Multiply that number times all the athletes that have come through the game in the 19 years that Bonds has played, and a staggering number of major leaguers have had the privilege of being in the show. A small minority of them have been questioned about using steroids and an even smaller number have made the money that Bonds has made.

To watch him cry over their supposed pain lets you know just how much of an idiot Bonds really is. They aren’t complaining when you cash your paycheck, and to current knowledge, they didn’t shove a syringe of human growth hormone and anabolic steroids into your ass, just so you could hit a ball 450 feet instead of 425 feet. So what does that make ESPN for packaging this moron as a suffering figure, and what does that make the rest of us for watching it?

Final Nail For Arrested?

2006-03-29T19:30:00.000-05:00

Bad news for Arrested Development fans: Series creator Mitch Hurwitz announced he's quitting the Emmy-winning comedy, which technically doesn't even really exist at the moment.

This really nukes the hopes of Bluth-loving fanatics holding out hope that the canceled Fox show might be revived on another network.

Rumors had made the rounds that Showtime was considering picking up the series, but with Hurwitz out of the picture, any deal would surely be jeopardized.

Last month, a pathetic 3.3 million viewers tuned in for what will surely be Fox's last airing of the show.

Three More Years For Abdul

2006-03-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

Everyone's favorite American Idol judge, Paula Abdul, has signed on for three more years, the Fox network said on Wednesday.

Shouldn't they have let viewers vote on this as well?

The move guarantees one of the show's most irritating elements will remain intact for the near future, virtually assuring continued unwatchability. Or is Abdul actually liked by the millions of sheep flocking to this drivel?

It's all lost on me.

Yeah, But What Happens When They Like... You Know... Escape?

2006-03-29T19:13:00.000-05:00

Fox has decided to renew their hit drama Prison Break.

Which begs the question: how do the Foxies keep the show going when the inmates finally get out? And if they don't get out... will we still give enough of a shit to sit through another season? The plotline already feels really dragged out.

Of course, who woulda thunk 24 could have survived 5 seasons plus?

Prison Break isn't bad filler for viewers whilst they're waiting for Jack Bauer to torture yet another terrorist/co-worker/ex-lover/family member, but my opinion of this show is sinking almost as fast as my love for Lost.

Hopefully the show will somehow finish strong. It's a crime they're dragging out what would have made a taut 13-episode "limited series" into a 40-plus episode (and counting) potboiler.

Instant Reruns?

2006-03-28T21:15:00.000-05:00

Time Warner Cable is talking with NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox to create a channel that would let viewers watch instant reruns TV's most popular programs.

The on-demand channel would allow viewers on-access to hit shows immediately following their first run.

This way, everybody can be disappointed around the water cooler discussing last night's Lost.

The monthly subscription fee for access to 20 top-ranked programs would be around $10.

Joy Behar, Our Hero

2006-03-28T21:06:00.000-05:00

Kudos to Joy Behar, the only yenta host of The View with any sense of reality.

The cohost of the unwatchable morning show was clearly irritated by Star Jones' latest self serving rant yesterday. Via phone, Jones violated every portion of the TMI statue while discussing her breast lift. Amongst the nuggets offered: no, she didn't almost die; yes, she's anemic; yes, her boobs feel like they're 25 years younger than the rest of her flabby, loudmouthed body.

After hearing enough of Jones "me me me"ing, Behar finally cut her off, yelling "OK, Star... enough about you. On to us. Bye!" Jones then called her a bitch, which, of course, was bleeped.

We at TVGS applaud Behar, as she's consistently the only one on that show who seems willing to point out the truth about Ms. Jones. Bravo.

Tubeservations: 24

2006-03-28T21:03:00.000-05:00

Explosive episode last night- and a cliffhanger to boot?

Will Bauer live?

Judging by how shitty the promo looked, I'd imagine he returns in the first 30 seconds of the episode, and cut around it for the teaser.

I'm Back: GeekSpeak From a Lost Week

2006-03-27T13:12:00.000-05:00

I've been slacking my responsibilities of late- especially last week. I had a lot going on. Here's my (futile?) attempt to catch up...

Sopranos: A quick straw poll of fellow fans revealed I was alone in my ardent love of the episode’s second season (“Join the Club”). Granted, if I never see another Sopranos dream sequence, it’ll be too soon, but I loved getting a peek into the brewing turf war and hearing AJ’s plan to go all Michael Corleone on “Mummy Head” Uncle Junior. Last night’s third episode (“Mayham”) seemed better received by the masses. I thought the two episodes would probably work better back to back, especially with the dream sequence payoff last night.

The acting extremes continue in this episode: while Edie Falco continues to shine, the storyline’s emphasis on secondary characters (and, apparently, actors) leaves something to be desired. Tony Sirico (Paulie Walnuts) is only passable because he consistently gets the best lines, while Joseph Gannascoli (Vito)’s lack of heft as an actor continues to dwarve his physical weight. Little Steven won’t ever sniff an Emmy nod, while Robert Iler (AJ) seems destined for a VH-1 Celebreality series of your choosing when the show finally passes.

Surprisingly, the perpetually irritating Jamie Lynn Sigler is somewhat palatable this season- and I’m not just talking about her suddenly smokin’ bod. Who said eating disorders were all bad?

Who Needs A New Boss: While I was shirking my GeekSpeaking responsibilities, everyone’s favorite train-wreck talk show host, Tony Danza, finally earned his long-awaited and much deserved cancellation. Time-slot filler at best, dreck at worst, The Tony Danza Show offered nothing, except an incomprehensible host, C-level guests and reinforcement of scads of Italian stereotypes (including pizza tossing contests and dancing with a giant salami). The show should have been yanked the second his cooking segments gained sponsorship from The Olive Garden. What self respecting Italian would stand for that?

Possible replacement for Tony: a View-style talker with Patricia Heaton and three other women, discussing homelife instead of news. Oddsmakers are already taking bets which will be worse: this one or the new Megan Mullally yakker. Both may launch this fall.

The Shield: After, in my opinion, a lackluster fourth season (Glenn Close didn’t do it for me), Chiklis and Co. really got back to basics for this year’s The Shield. Forest Whittaker’s performance was Emmy-worthy. Since I just got FX and had to obtain the episodes in another fashion (*cough* *cough* bittorrent *cough*), I watched the entire 11 episode season over a single 24 hour clip. Still completely unrealistic- but fantastic.

24: Will anyone be left alive at the end of this season?

Chef’s Salad: Isaac Hayes leaves South Park, pissed that the show pokes fun at Scientology. Less than a week later, Parker and Stone kill him off, using previously recorded lines from Hayes. Possibly the most topical animated series ever.

Sons and Daughters: ABC’s brilliant new quasi-improv laugher is tanking in the ratings. No surprise. It’s TV’s smartest comedy since Arrested Development, so, naturally, people would rather watch anything else. Will ABC have the stones to renew this underperformer? Given how quickly they pulled the Heather Graham kumquat Emily’s Reasons Why Not, it’s shocking (and wonderful) that it’s even still on the air.

NBC Ready to Cook: Alan Thicke and Sandra Lee have signed on to host NBC’s upcoming Celebrity Cooking Showdown. Rapper Ja Rule, Kansas City Chiefs star Tony Gonzalez, model Naomi Campbell and Tom Arnold will be among the starved-for-attention stars to slap on aprons. Hey, networks: the reality thing is over. Stop the madness!

Election on Lifetime: Has a single member of Lifetime’s audience ever heard of James Carville or Mary Matalin? So why would the channel buy a reality show starring these two political motormouths? This would have been a better fit almost anywhere else. They should stick to what they know best: making Delta Burke movies.

Uncle Buster's Sportztyme! March Madness

2006-03-27T10:18:00.000-05:00

A moniker symbolic of not only the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament, but the fervor and interest surrounding it from the most casual sports fans to the biggest hoops zealots on the planet. It includes all: from people who can’t tell Adam Morrison from Jim Morrison all the way to folks who know each man’s shoe size and favorite flavor of Life Savers.

And I’m changing the name.

It’s now known as March Wrongness, for all the prognosticators and experts- paid and unpaid- who think they have any insight whatsoever into this three week orgy of upsets and upset stomachs. That loud ripping noise you heard last night was millions of illegal office pool brackets across the country being shredded by the likes of George Mason, the little Patriots that could, after they pulled off what’s being called the biggest upset in tournament history. GMU knocked off UCONN in overtime to become just the second 11th seeded team to ever make the Final Four, this being a UCONN team that many (including myself) thought would win the whole thing.

But the Wrongness doesn’t end there. Way back on Selection Sunday, CBS talking heads Jim Nantz and Billy Packer, each of whom are paid handsomely to share their thoughts and insights into this tournament, skewered the chairman of the men’s basketball committee, Craig Littlepage, for including George Mason in the tournament at all. The Patriots did not win their conference title, but in the committee’s opinion, had played well enough during their regular season to warrant an invite to the Big Dance.

Littlepage defended his committee’s choice, but no words on that day could prove his point more than the play of the Patriots over the next four games. They subsequently knocked off three former tournament champions in Michigan St., North Carolina, and UCONN, were never a favorite in any game, and now have become the first team from their conference to make it this far, and the first team from the entire state of Virginia to get to the Final Four in 22 years.

And the Wrongness doesn’t end there either. So many people thought that teams like Duke and Gonzaga were so worthy of a spot in the game’s ultimate party that they were penciling in the Blue Devils and Zags for a spot in Indianapolis before the first jump ball. Neither team will play on the final weekend, mostly because their two superstars, J.J. Redick of Duke and the aforementioned Morrison of Gonzaga, never bothered to show up for their teams at crunch time. Well, that’s a little harsh of Morrison, at least he made some shots for his team, more shots than trips to the barber. And let’s face it: no player who fashions his coif after the incredibly fugly Christianne Amanpour of CNN should be allowed to play a major college sport well.

But Redick has no excuse. He was in line for the national scoring title and countless player of the year honors, then went out and had one of his worst games ever; shooting just 3 for 18 and scoring just 11 points. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s 11 more than myself and the Geek-In-Chief scored. Hardly the production of a worthy Player Of The Year candidate. Oh, and the crying as he left the court didn’t do much for me either. Yo J.J.? If you want to feel better about yourself, maybe you shouldn’t miss 83% OF YOUR FRIGGIN SHOTS IN THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE YEAR!!!!!!

So, for the first time since 1986, and just the second time ever since this tournament expanded to 64 teams, all four number one seeds will sit home and watch the championship game from their living rooms. The number one seeds were predicted to be the best four teams in the tournament before it began. You know what predictions like that are called? Wrong.

Tubeservations: Tony Soprano Cries Uncle

2006-03-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

The Sopranos return- with a bang.

I had been alerted to a "twist" in last night's episode, but didn't know what it was and was able to avoid being spoiled. It was worth the wait, and kept me interested through a solid but uneventful "background" episode- the kind we've come to expect from TV's most intriguing drama.

That said, I did like the other major storyline- the "retirement," or lack thereof- and thought that, as a mood-setter, the episode did its job. Let's hope Chase and co. now move into the meaty goodness of serious storytelling.

There were plenty of red herrings to the twist- would Tony's weight push him towards a coronary? Would Uncle Jun stroke out? Would Johnny Sack get whacked in the can? The writers managed to come up with something more shocking than anyone imagined.

How great was the shot of delusional, toothless, crazy Uncle Junior blowing a hole in Tony Soprano's enlarged gut? And I dug the lack of promo at episode's end to increase suspense, a tactic used by Six Feet Under wne Nate was buying the farm.

Of course, the trailers for the series were loaded with other shots of Tony (with another woman, twirling a baby, eating ad nauseum), so it's highly likely Tony won't be sleeping with the fishes. Not to mention that it would be pretty tough to deliver 19 more episodes sans the big guy.

My theory on the shooting: Uncle Junior was punishing Tony for overcooking his ziti. I know in our house, it's gotta be al dente, under penalty of death.

Tubeservations: Big Love

2006-03-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

So, with the HBO rule fully in effect (that's where I feel like I have to give any new HBO drama a chance, thanks to being burned for bailing out on The Wire and Deadwood), I gave HBO's new polygamy dramady Big Love a shot.

Big mistake.

I wanted to like it, but Bill Paxton, save his Oscar-caliber performance in Weird Science, never did it for me. This performance is no exception- and in may ways it was more disturbing than his typical performance, since he was largely shirtless throughout the episode. I certainly didn't need to see his member tented under a sheet- nor did I need a full shot of his taint.

And whoever keep saying Chloe Sevigny is hott- she ain't. At all.

The only reason to watch is the great Ginnifer Goodwin (Ed), but she's just not enough to keep me interested.

I'm sure, as always, I'll be reading in the papers how brilliant this show has become after a few weeks on the air, but for now, it's a risk I'm willing to take. Big Love? A big bore.

Pass.

Static From The Geek in Chief: The Final Thumbs Down For TiVo?

2006-03-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

For years, I’ve been a borderline Tivo zealot. I’ve relentlessly plugged TiVo to friends and relatives. I’ve given countless units as gifts. And as cable operators began offering generic, cheaper DVRs, I never withdrew support for the more versatile, user-friendly features of the machine that changed my TV viewing life forever, even as the company’s growth stalled and forecasters continued predicting doom and gloom for the technology pioneer.

Alas, I think TiVo has finally programmed itself a season pass into the great beyond.

Yesterday, TiVo announced it would start giving away their hardware for free, opting for a subscription-based cost model instead. On the surface, it doesn’t seem like a bad idea- until you look at the specifics. The primary flaw: they’re eliminating the lifetime service option, effectively wiping out the biggest cost advantage to owning a TiVo.

Instead, they’re offering yearly subscriptions, ranging from one to three years. With the exception of the three year plan, DVRs offered by your local cable provider are now cheaper, and only require a month-to-month commitment. Oh, yeah- they can also record two channels at once, and some can even record in HD. TiVo can’t do either of those things, and even though its software is far and away superior to the other DVRs I’ve seen, it’s now not the slam-dunk better product.

And that’s bad. Especially when a cable installation mook can just lug in a DVR from his truck when he’s wiring your house.

Let’s face it- a three year contract is quite an exorbitant investment for a piece of video equipment these days. With technology changing so rapidly, in basically a rental model, I’d much rather go month to month. Especially when I can record The Office and CSI, in HD, at the same time.

I never wanted to allow the possibility that TiVo could die. Now, it’s clearly more than a possibility- it’s a probability. I know I won’t be buying another TiVo under this model, especially until they figure out the two-tuner, HD thing.

I have three DVRs- two TiVos and a Scientific Atlanta DVR offered by Cablevision. The Sci-At is awkward. The interface is clunky. Its Season Pass style recording options are limited and unintuitive, and the damned thing frequently deletes unwatched shows without explanation. As a user-friendly experience, it fails miserably.

Yet it pains me to admit that despite those massive flaws, the HD picture has relegated my TiVos to secondary status. And thanks to this new plan, it looks unlikely a TiVo will ever surpass it again. And that’s a shame.

I never thought my allegiance would waver from the TiVo camp, especially in favor of a product that is essentially a faceless, generic clone.

So it’s with a heavy heart that I announce that I’ve likely purchased my last TiVo, which seems destined to be the Betamax of the ‘00’s. It will always have a place in my heart- but only when I’m not watching something in HD.

Tubeservations: 24

2006-03-07T07:03:00.000-05:00

Come on- how good were last night's episodes of 24?

Full of edge of your seat suspense- as well as one laugh-out-loud moment (who would have thought a woman getting shot in the leg could be so hi-larious?)

And you know this was a "very special episode"- without giving the ending away for you tivoers out there- because the final clock at the end of the second episode was accompanied by a dramatic silence instead of the usual "beep... beep... beep... thud."

Still wish Kim had been gassed. Oh well, there's still 12 hours left.

Tubeservations: The Oscars

2006-03-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

Another year, another excruciatingly self-important Oscars telecast.

In a year where most of the nominees were obscure, art-house films, most expected a ratings drop for the interminable awards show. And they got it, with a 10% decrease from last year. Of course, last year's host, Chris Rock, probably drew more curious viewers looking for controversy than the funny but overrated Jon Stewart, who did an adequately average job as emcee.

There were a couple of high points- Ben Stiller's green screen gag, the Will Ferrell/Steve Carell makeup skit- but the telecast otherwise suffered from blandness and self-importance ("Go to the theatre! Don't rent!"). Oh, please.

The low point? A trembly and overmatched Lauren Bacall fumphering her intro, possibly due to a faulty teleprompter. She looked noticeably upset as she finished. Painful to watch.

And how many montages does one show need? Yeesh.

Back to Stewart. He had some funny lines, but most seemed to fall flat in the theater. I dug the Stephen Colbert-narrated attack ads. I wouldn't expect him to host again. And why would he want to? It seems like a can't-win job for a comedian. Even the press, who is constantly fellating the Dail Show host in print, agreed his performance didn't set the world on fire. I guess it's back to basic cable for him.

Thank heavens for TiVo. I was able to zip through the whole schmegagy in about 90 minutes. 90 minutes, of course, that I'll never get back.

No, Really, She's Back This Time

2006-03-06T13:43:00.000-05:00

The least-awaited return to prime-time TV finally happens tonight: Elisha Cuthbert's Kim Bauer returns to 24 tonight.

Thankfully Cuthbert, who plays the annoying, underwritten daughter of Jack Bauer, will only return for a few episodes.

A misleading USA Today article a few weeks back led many (including us) to think the character was returning sooner than tonight. The reprieve was welcome, but, alas, it seems to really be happening .

We can only hope the mountain lions get the job done this time.

Charmed No More

2006-03-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

The merging of UPN and the WB seems to have claimed its first victim.

A WB spokesman says the series, which stars Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs, will end after eight seasons in May.

This crap has been on eight years?! Now that's magic.

More Trouble In ABC's Oval Office

2006-03-06T01:51:00.000-05:00

More behind the scenes changes are in store for the turmoil-laden ABC drama Commander in Chief.

Steven Bochco, who replaced original showrunner Rod Lurie last fall, is now out of the day-to-day operations but will remain as an Executive Producer.

Last week, Broadcasting & Cable magazine reported that Bocho was unhappy with ABC execs, who were giving him too many notes on the show. Which seems appropriate, considering the show's continual slide into the ratings abyss.

Dee Johnson will take over the increasingly ignored Geena Davis drama. It now seems like a headache that ABC will surely eliminate at the end of the season.

The Friday Eff Off: My Name Is Earl

2006-03-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

Live, from Redneckland USA, here’s Uncle Buster’s latest 99 word review of a show he’s never watched- and never will. What a concept!

I’ve been told that My Name Is Earl is a good show and pretty funny.

Heck, there are several people where I work that tune in regularly.

The Geek-In-Chief routinely extols the virtues of this NBC hit. Which is understandable. He’s from the Northeast and isn’t exposed to this.

However, since I live in the South, and am constantly surrounded by the mouth-breathing, tobacco-chewing, sister-marrying, NASCAR-loving, SEE-ment-pronouncing, hick, redneck, trailer park all-stars that the show is based on, it gets a little too close to reality for me.

So, I’ll take a pass on this one. Call me crazy.

Fox Fux Up Tuesday Competish

2006-03-02T19:48:00.000-05:00

Fox- thanks to American Idol- continues to captivate viewers.

(Not this viewer- but I don't have a Nielsen box, so what do they care?)

Idol averaged 29.7 million viewers, spoiling the premiere of The Amazing Race and night number two of Deal or No Deal.

NBC did rebound a bit at 10, when Law & Order: SVU handcuffed 13.7 million viewers.

Desperate Burnett

2006-03-02T10:42:00.000-05:00

The residents of Wisteria Lane may soon be woken up by Tarzan yells.

Carol Burnett soon will nab a recurring character slot on ABC's megasuccessful Desperate Housewives. She'll play the cold stepmother of Bree Van De Kamp.

Her arrival is tentatively scheduled to air April 9. Hopefully she won't be borrowing any of Eva's outfits.

How Lowe Can The West Wing Go?

2006-03-01T22:15:00.000-05:00

It's last-ditch reunion time in The West Wing.

As the show lurches through its sub-par, largely unwatched final days, the creators are bringing back a few long-missing characters to help with the imminent regime change.

Leading the way is Rob Lowe, who left the show a couple of years ago in a money snit. He's gone on to star in such blockbuster fare as The Lyon's Den, Beach Girls anddr. vegas

Also returning are Mary Louise Parker, Anna Deavere Smith, Emily Proctor, Marlee Matlin, Gary Cole, Tim Matheson, Timothy Busfield and Annabeth Gish.

Whoopee!

Trump's Ratings Totally Martha-Like

2006-03-01T22:09:00.000-05:00

Why is it that NBC can't admit that Americans are bored with The Apprentice?

The fifth-season premiere of the Donald Trump topped egofest grabbed the show's lowest rating ever for an original episode- less than 10 million viewers. We're desperately awaiting comment from Martha Stewart, who tangled in a tabloid war with The Donald last week over her own failed version of the series.

The show couldn't benefit from its strongish lead-in, Deal or No Deal, which won its slot.

Clearly, it's time for the 'cockers to fire Mr. Trump.

Chappelle to Comedy Central: "Don't Air My Unfinished Shit"

2006-03-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

Comedian Dave Chappelle says he may never return to his hit Comedy Central show if the cable network goes through with plans to air new episodes culled from material he filmed before leaving the series.

Oh, right- and if they don't air the stuff they have in the can, he'll come rushing back?

Let's face it. The compilation episodes will do huge numbers, and you can't blame the network for trying to squeeze whatever they can out of their stillborn $50 million deal. And with the bizarre way Chappelle has been acting, it's far from a safe bet he'll ever return anyway.

The Comeback, Part Three

2006-03-01T20:23:00.000-05:00

Now it's Courtney Cox's turn to come back to TV.

Cox is coming back in Dirt, a drama pilot for FX (which I finally now receive). Oh, and did I mention she and her husband David Arquette are executive producing? How... convenient.

The actress is the third former Friends star to link up to another series. The other two, Matt LeBlanc's Joey and Lisa Kudrow's The Comeback, stank worse than a Smelly Cat.

Vote in Our Olympics Idiot Box Poll!

2006-02-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

Now in the right hand column!

It's Official

2006-02-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

I finally have FX.

And it looks like I'll also get the new Mets TV channel, SNY, without incident.

Thank you, Cablevision. Good week for you- for a change.

NBC's Olympics Didn't Light World On Fire

2006-02-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

Let the wound licking begin.

NBC's 17 night coverage of the Torino games was the least-watched Winter Olympics since 1988. The Games averaged 20.2 million viewers in prime time, and likely won't even help NBC win sweeps.

Contributing factors? Lackluster US team performance. Tougher competition from other networks, who aggressively counterprogrammed this year's games. Time delayed coverage also drops numbers. And the days of having an enemy to root against are over- at least until al Qaeda qualifies to compete in skeleton.

Personally, I'm just happy to get The Office, Scrubs and Earl back... they're my gold, bronze and silver nowthat Arrested Development is gone.

Soap Star Gets Deal of a Lifetime

2006-02-28T11:07:00.000-05:00

All My Children's Abigail Spencer has been cast as the lead in Lifetime's Emily's Eyes, a new drama centering on a twentysomething FBI agent. The show has been given a 13-episode order by the chick-loving cable channel.

It's believed that the series is targeted to premiere in the summer, becoming the latest in a long, brilliant slate of original dramas on the channel... like... um... damn, I'm sure I can think of at least one...

Fear Factor: Effed

2006-02-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

Apparently, the eating of bull testicles will be curtailed sharply on NBC in the coming months.

TV Week says several Fear Factor staffers have moved on to other projects, signaling the likely end of the series.

Officially, NBC says production on the current season of the wretched reality show has been completed, and that no decision has been made on whether the show will be renewed.

Winger Back in Bed With Sorkin

2006-02-28T10:48:00.000-05:00

The West Wing co-star Bradley Whitford thas reunited with Aaron Sorkin, the show's manic, drug-addled creator, for the upcoming NBC drama pilot Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Whitford will play a producer-director and recovering cocaine addict who has come back to run the sketch show he used to work for.

Autobiographical pipe dreams, Mr. Sorkin?

R.I.P., Mr. Furley

2006-02-27T12:54:00.000-05:00

Five time Emmy winning bug-eyed actor Don Knotts passed away over the weekend.

Knotts was noted mostly for portraying bumbling Barney Five on The Andy Griffith Show, but it was his brilliant portrayal of wanna-be lethario landlord Ralph Furley on Three's Company that moved my generation.

He was 81.

Uncle Buster's The Friday Eff Off: Courting Alex

2006-02-24T09:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, I thought I’d give “Courting Alex” a try.

CBS had been picking winners lately, Jenna Elfman looks much hotter with longer hair, and who can resist anything starring Dabney Coleman? Ok, that one even I don’t believe.

Here’s the problem: They’ve already exhausted the only plot line they have. We get it: Career woman, too busy to date, meets hot guy and her life gets turned upside down.

They’ve already even had the uncomfortable boyfriend vs. best friend showdown. Unfunny. And Elfman’s not hott enough to get me back weekly.

I guess they can’t all be home runs.

Chicks Dig The HD

2006-02-22T22:05:00.000-05:00

In a new Scripps Networks lifestyle research survey survey, it was revealed that women would rather receive a new HDTV set than a toaster (well, yeah), a day off (only one day?) or a new pair of expensive shoes (surprising).

The only thing that beat out HDTV? A weekend getaway.

We've kept this posting at the top of today's nonsense, so men can easily print it out and present it to their wives as legitimate justification as the deliverymen wheel in their new 60" plasmas.

NBC Freebie

2006-02-22T14:27:00.000-05:00

Can't wait to see Dick Wolf's latest, chung CHUNG free production?

NBC is offering the pilot of its new law series, Conviction, free for download through the iTunes Music Store. It will be available until the show premieres on March 3.

Trump vs. Martha: The Battle Of Two Unwatched TV Shows

2006-02-22T10:25:00.000-05:00

The Donald and the Domestic Diva are at each other's throats in the press these days over their dueling Apprentices.

Martha Stewart, who had her version axed after one cycle, claimed it failed because Trump would not take his competing show off the schedule.

Trump countered that it was because, among other reasons, Martha effed the whole thing up and made no effort to produce a compelling show.

Honestly, with Trump's ratings dropping with each new cycle, and its subsequent banishment from NBC's Thursday night, should he really be flapping his gums?

Another Year, Another Assload Of Emmy Changes

2006-02-22T10:15:00.000-05:00

They're changing the Emmy voting rules again.

But does anybody care?

This year's overhaul mentions something about committies, and panels, and whatnot... blah, blah. The article was harder to grasp than George W's justification for turning over our ports to an Arab-owned company.

I guess any steps to prevent sub-par shows, such as recent seasons of The West Wing, from winning unjustifiably can't be a bad thing.

But personally, I couldn;t give a flying flambe. Just show me the list of winners the next morning, OK?

Grey Area For Housewives

2006-02-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

Post-Superbowl momentum continues to build for the ABC drama Grey's Anatomy.

Despite the presence of the jaw-droppingly annoying Sandra Oh, the show improved on its Desperate Housewives lead-in for the second week in a row.

The show's audience has jumped more than 35 percent since its post-Super Bowl airing. Nice choice, ABC.

Roth to Van Halen: Make Me Your Rock Star

2006-02-15T10:22:00.000-05:00

David Lee Roth, lead singer of Van Halen (1978-1985) and now a mediocre syndicated morning man, has some advice for his old bandmates.

He says the band shouldn't use CBS' reality show, Rock Star, to find a new lead singer.

Instead, he predictably wants to reunite with the original members for a reunion tour. Never mind that he can barely sing anymore, or that Eddie Van Halen can barely stay sober enough to hammer out a coherent solo.

A spokesman for the band denies the rumor.

CBS hasn't confirmed the next band to be featured on Rock Star, but auditions start next month. Van Halen has long been a rumored possibility.

Waah, Waah, Waah, Simon's Too Mean

2006-02-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

American Idol's Simon Cowell needs to learn the number one rule of television: that the microphones are always on, and the cameras are always rolling.

Responding to accusations that his cruelty this year has crossed some sort of line, Cowell claims producers kept shooting his comments after contestants left the audition room. He says those comments were never meant to get on TV.

This season, officials from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation and the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance whined about derogatory comments from Cowell and fellow judge Randy Jackson.

Senator Al Franken?

2006-02-13T23:44:00.000-05:00

...three of the scariest words in the English language.

Even if I could look past his whack-job political rantings, it would help his cause if he was ever even the slightest bit funny on SNL- or anywhere.

In a related story, we're following up on a rumor that Tim Kazurinsky is angling for the 2008 Democratic Presidential Nod... with a chimp as a veep. Stay tuned.

Kwan Won't Help NBC On Ice, Or Off

2006-02-13T20:32:00.000-05:00

Michelle Kwan has now screwed NBC about three times, by our count.

She turned down a broadcast booth gig when it looked like she wouldn't make the Olympic team.

She was forced to leave the team Sunday due to the same injury, denting NBC's ratings hopes.

And now she's turned down another NBC offer to jump behind the mic.

Could she have been be the make-or-break piece for NBC's Olympics coverage? Looks like we'll never know... maybe she was holding out for a guest shot on Will & Grace. Crucifixin's on Ice, anyone?

Execs: Lose the Boss

2006-02-13T19:55:00.000-05:00

Last year, he crashed a go kart on his unwatchable talk show.

Now, a year later, he's just crashing.

According to the gossip mongers at Page Six, Disney hotshots have finally decided to put the flailing Tony Danza Show out of its misery. And apparently, the neckties are too afraid of how he'll react to tell him.

Guess what: he can read the New York Post too.

And if that's not bad enough for the Danza clan, check out how his daughter has decided to cope with Daddy's disappearing paycheck.

Is the Cougar Next?

2006-02-13T12:52:00.000-05:00

Annoying character alert: the smoking hott but storyline-ically challenged Kim Bauer (played by Elisha Cuthbert) returns to 24 tonight.

Maybe the terrorists will off her? And finally keep her off the show forever?

Anyone?

Please?

Chiefly, Off The Air

2006-02-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Geena Davis's Commander in Chief is getting a break sooner than expected.

The show will now get yanked after this week's airing. New episodes of the failing drama were supposed to air through February and take a six-week break in March. Now, ABC says the show will return in mid-April.

Sure smells like imminent cancellation to us.

Chilly Reception for Olympics Thus Far

2006-02-13T12:31:00.000-05:00

We're just a couple of days in to the Olympics, and NBC is already playing catch-up.

Friday's opening ceremonies drew large, but unspectacular numbers, and fell short of the ratings target the 'Cockers promised advertisers.

The first night of the network's ambitiously ubiquitous over-coverage netted a 12.8 rating and a 21 share, almost a full ratings point behind the target promisted to advertisers. The network now hopes to bring up its average with stronger performances as the games continue. That will be harder than in years past, however, as the other netwprks are counter-programming more aggressively this time around.

The ceremonies did beat the competition easily, however, which included the remaining four episodes of Arrested Development and Dancing with the Stars.

Uncle Buster's Sportztyme! Torching the Olympics

2006-02-13T11:52:00.000-05:00

I guess there's some pretty good reasons why the Olympics only come around every couple of years. If they were any more frequent, it would be harder to ignore these people.

The opening ceremonies got me going. First of all, between them China and India have over 2.4 billion people. And yet, they combined for 80 athletes in this year's Winter games. 80 friggin' people out of 2 and a half billion. I'd do the math on that percentage, but my calculator doesn't go that high, so I'll just paraphrase by saying it's pretty damn pathetic.

And the music these people walked out to sounded like they came straight from Studio 54 somewhere in lower Manhattan. The aforementioned Indian team walked out to the 70's staple "Funkytown". I never knew Funkytown was in India. Someone told me Ghandi had it in his iPod, but I think that's a little far-fetched.

Bermuda even sent an athlete! One dude who allegedly participates in Skeleton. You know Skeleton, it's Luge- only you're going headfirst. They call it Skeleton because that's what you break when you wreck one of these over-produced Freeze-Flyers. And it's not all that athletic either. If they REALLY want a show, why don't they add a couple of ice jumps in the middle, like all of us daredevils did when we were sledding down the biggest hill in our hometowns.

I thought it was slightly inappropriate of the Denmark team also, when they came out carrying their national flag, but there was a 3 foot doll of Muhammed rammed onto the top of the pole, wearing a Barbie dress carrying an AK-47. The Olympic Spirit isn't supposed to include trash talking, but that would be an improvement over some of these so-called "events".

Like snowboarding, for example. What genius decided this was worthy of international competition? Whoever he or she is, I bet they've got a pot field out their back door the size of South Dakota. These stoners hyped on ganja and maintaining their athletic "prowess" on a steady diet of Mountain Dews and Twix bars are about as close to being world class athletes as I am from becoming Mr. Kiera Knightly. Come on people!!! You include snowboarding, and yet baseball isn't good enough?

NBC's Bob Costas remarked on the first night that German women are good at speedskating. Yo Bob, they're also good at moustache-growing, 'roid-popping, and keg stands. Any of those making into the lineup in 4 years? There's also some German dude who is a speed skater and calls himself the "Speeding White Sausage." I call copyright infringement on that. If you look in my high school yearbook, it clearly states that was MY nickname first.

Oh well, in two weeks we can go back to forgetting all this stuff and concentrate on what's really important. Like who's got first dibs on the suddenly available Heather Locklear!! Call me!!!

Uncle Buster's The Friday Eff Off: Grey's Anatomy

2006-02-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

Apparently, 38 million people CAN be wrong.

That was the audience for the Super Bowl-following Grey’s Anatomy Sunday night on ABC.

I admit I got sucked in by the “Code Black” promos that ran incessantly. I had an educated guess what the episode would be about. I was right and I was disappointed.

Props however, to the scene with the hott blonde taking the dude into the storeroom for a pickle tickle.

Not enough to overcome a largely suspense-less hour and too many scenes containing the incredibly fugly Sandra Oh. Will I never learn the deceitfulness of network promos?

Speaking of Uncle Buster...

2006-02-10T18:53:00.000-05:00

...the rat bastard's incessant shilling finally got me to watch Love Monkey this week.

Just in time for CBS to pre-cancel that shit (speicifcally, they sent it to Hiatusland, to surely never be seen again).

And, of course, I dug it.

So in honor of this occasion, I'm going to fling my own poop at my Uncle Buster bobble-head doll. That'll teach him.

Meredith Viera Wants To Be A Today Co-Host

2006-02-09T12:02:00.000-05:00

Could Meredith Vieira replace Katie Couric on Today if Couric jumps to CBS?

She thinks so.

She says that her contract expires in August, and she wouldn't rule it out. It seems unlikely, however, that NBC would replace Katie with a similarly aged (read: mid forties plus-ish) woman- it's a prime opportunity for them to get younger.

Vieira is a co-host on ABC's unwatchable The View and also hosts the syndicated Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Michaels Ditches MNF- for SNF?

2006-02-09T12:01:00.000-05:00

ESPN has announced their Monday Night Football anchor team on Wednesday- and it did not include Al Michaels.

This seems to pave the way for him to join NBC's new Sunday Night Football broadcast- and be once again alongside John Madden.

Michaels had previously announced he would remain with Monday Night Football when it moves from ABC to ESPN. He's apparently had a change of heart- and is willing to give up his basketball duties to remain on broadcast network football coverage.

No announcement is expected from NBC until after its Olympics coverage.

Nielsens No Grey Area

2006-02-07T23:05:00.000-05:00

Apparently, those Grey's Anatomy promos featuring that uber-annoying, jaw-dropping mug of the unwatchably irritating Sandra Oh didn't send Super Bowl viewers to the exits.

The post-game episode snared over 38 million viewers, ranking it only behind the debut of Survivor 2 in 2001 and an episode of Friends in 1996.

Galactica Prepares For Spike in Lesbian Demos

2006-02-07T23:04:00.000-05:00

Lucy Lawless, former star of Xena, has signed on to Sci Fi Channel's Battlestar Galactica.

She'll be around for a 10 episode arc. I'll assume you Galatician Geeks know why this is important, exciting or interesting.

Goodbye, Farewell, Amen

2006-02-07T22:58:00.000-05:00

Sunday's Super Bowl telecast scored big for ABC.

It was the second most watched TV show ever, right after the final episode of M*A*S*H, which aired in 1983.

The Pittsburgh Steelers' victory over the Seattle Seahawks was watched in an average of 45.85 million homes, punting a 41.6 preliminary rating and a 62 share. At least part of the game was watched by an estimated 141.4 million people in the United States alone.

Me? I fast forwarded through the game to see the commercials. Bad idea... they all pretty much blew.

Why Did ABC Get Lost? And Other Random Thoughts

2006-02-07T20:10:00.000-05:00

Can someone explain to me why ABC felt it necessary to so heavily promote Lost during the Super Bowl? The show is already a smash. Wouldn't those avails have been better utilized promoting some promising, but struggling shows?

Whoever those promo folks got to loop the chorus to "Addicted to Lost," he sure sounded like the extremely dead Robert Palmer.

Wouldn't ABC have benefitted more by putting a new show in need of exposure in the post-game slot? Like the anemically performing Commander-In-Chief?

What was Burger King thinking with the Whopperettes?

Why is a Rolling Stones song that's been a staple of classic rock radio since 1981 suddenly inappropriate to air unedited?

Who the fuck would eat that nasty-ass pizza Jessica Simpson was plugging?

Sportztyme! The Super Blog

2006-02-06T11:59:00.000-05:00

Today, I turn over TVGeekSpeak to our Sportzguy Uncle Buster, who's been hibernating of late. We welcome him back with this live blog from yesterday's game... the perspective of a long-suffering Steelers fan (who also happens to cover sports for a living). Take it away...

I think the Super Bowl pre-game show actually started on Wednesday afternoon. However, being in the house with a 2 year old, you’re viewing habits sometimes revolve around naptime. So, my log of Super Bowl Sunday begins at 4pm…..

4:04 – ABC’s crew hits the air with former Dallas Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin right in the middle of the action. If you’re not familiar with Irvin, he’s to football what John Belushi was to comedy. Talented, but what a train wreck! Irvin is wearing a tie with a knot so big you could land a 747 on it. He’s one of those former superstars who just craves the attention and will do, say or wear anything to get it. Kinda sad. Plus, he’s barely literate judging by his vocabulary and speech patterns.

4:05 – One of the half dozen times today I will see Jessica Simpson’s Pizza Hut ad. Regardless of what you might think of her singing, acting, or lifestyle in general, she is smokin’ hott! Especially in those Daisy Duke shorts. Our Geek-In-Chief will disagree, but even though I wouldn’t eat anything that comes out of a Pizza Hut kitchen, I’d let her feed me anytime!

Sure, she's hott, but one glance of that pizza with the crust-nuggets nearly launched several buffalo wings right out of my tum-tum. Geek-in-Chief

4:07 – ESPN’s Kenny Mayne interviews Stevie Wonder. Mayne, more of a comic than reporter, tries to play it straight by lauding Wonder’s “message of love” in his music. Wonder tells him "you were so bad in Dancing With The Stars, I’m glad I’m blind!!!" Ouch, Stevie.

5:05 – CBS is showing a golf tournament from Arizona that someone named J.B. Holmes is about to win. I don’t care if it’s Larry, Katie or even John Holmes, if Tiger isn’t playing, it becomes an "MCI Event" because only friends and family give a rat’s ass about who wins.

5:07 – NBC is showing the World Poker Tour. No one cares about these faceless degenerates either, but props to NBC for acknowledging the 500 pound gorilla in the room with a "Countdown To Kickoff" clock in the upper right hand corner. Of course, it’s sponsored.

5:19 – ABC’s Robin Roberts interviews Mick Jagger. His answers must reflect the length of his attention span these days.

5:37 – Budweiser ad featuring August Busch IV. How much money you think that dude is worth anyway??? (as I crack open my third Bud Light of the evening)

6:00 – Wonder leads a cast of characters through some of his best loved tunes, except the audio guy is about a half song behind. How else to explain lips moving with nothing coming out? On everyone!!!

6:13 – Aaron Neville begins the National Anthem with an extremely pained look on his face, as though singing is pushing him to his physical limit. Then I realized that Aretha Franklin had just stepped on his foot.

6:17 – Several of the players in this year’s Super Bowl appear in an ad where they practice saying "I’m going to Disneyworld!", the traditional line uttered by the game’s MVP. I liked this ad a lot, showed a more intimate side of some of these athletes. One of the best of the night.

6:33 – The first commercial break after kickoff included a spot from Burger King featuring the "Whopperettes". There goes $2 million straight down the drain. That’s the best they could come up with???

6:39 – Sierra Mist similarly blows a huge wad of money on a spot featuring Kathy Griffin, Jim Gaffigan, and Ian Michael Black, three of the most un-funny people ever to roam the Earth. All the ad needed was Mo Rocca to become the biggest waste of cash on comedy since The Jimmy Kimmel Show went on the air.

7:17 – CareerBuilder.com has restored my faith in Super Bowl advertising with my favorite spot of the night. Monkeys are almost always funny, but this time they trashed an office to Quiet Riot’s 80s anthem "Cum On Feel The Noize," which of course, is one of my all-time favorite tunes.

8:40 – Ben Roethlisberger throws an interception that my 2 year old could have picked off. He said later his head wanted to throw it somewhere else, but his arm didn’t listen. Why are his body parts talking in the first place?

9:15 – Props to Sprint for channeling the late Benny Hill for their latest spot!!

9:18 – Ok, my team is up by 4, but the Seahawks are driving and about to score. I realize my son’s black and yellow football has been lying on the ground all day, ignored. After I pick it up, Pittsburgh gets a sack, then an interception. Coincidence? I think not!

9:27 – Just as Pittsburgh is pulling off a trick play for the final touchdown of the night, my son runs into the room and throws a ball straight into my 7th Bud Light of the night. The only disappointment from me comes because he threw it with his right hand, and he had been favoring his left lately. If he wants to be a relief pitcher until his 60th birthday, he’ll switch, and quickly.

10:03 – Final gun, and the Steelers have one for the thumb. ABC does their best with the postgame, but they never interview Seattle coach Mike Holmgren. Like we care what that loser has to say anyway!!!

Let's Hope Carrot Top Doesn't Win

2006-02-03T19:39:00.000-05:00

American Idol executive producer Simon Cowell will help create a new variety talent competition for NBC.

The series will audition the best amateur singers, dancers, comedians and novelty acts. The prize? You get to headline your own act in Vegas.

Sure sounds like a pale imitation to me. Luckily for NBC, that sems to be just fine with reality viewers.

NBC Crucified Over Britney Booking

2006-02-03T19:27:00.000-05:00

NBC has issued a statement regarding the upcoming Britney Spears/Will & Grace stunt casting brouhaha.

Religious groups have been in an uproar, calling NBC anit-Christian after it was reported the singer would play a mocked religious TV personality who'd emcee a cooking segnemt called "Cruci-fixin's."

According to the network, "Some erroneous information was mistakenly included in a press release describing an upcoming episode of Will & Grace, which, in fact, has yet to be written," the network said in a statement, which was disseminated to its affiliates. "The reference to 'Cruci-fixins' will not be in the show and the storyline will not contain a Christian characterization at all. We value our viewers and sincerely regret if this misinformation has offended them."

Suuuuuuuuure. Spin much?

To Chappelle- and Back?

2006-02-03T19:26:00.000-05:00

Dave Chappelle, who walkied off his hit Comedy Central sketch show, told Oprah Winfrey he'd consider returning to the show under the right circumstances.

By "right circumstances," he means having the network restructure the $50 million deal so a bigger portion of the profits will go to charity.

Hey Dave- I wouldn't wait for the phone to ring.

Meanwhile, Comedy Central has hacked together four new episodes of Chappelle's Show with never-before-seem material that Chappelle shot before his famous walk-off.

Sweet! Another Child Star to Pity

2006-02-02T11:59:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing we love here at TVGeekSpeak.com, it's child TV stars gone wrong.

We have a new one to add to the list.

Former Full House star Jodie Sweetin, who played middle sister Stephanie Tanner, revealed on Good Morning America that she is a recovering meth addict.

She's acted very little since the show's cancellation in 1995.

Wonder if she turned to the hard stuff after seeing TV dad Bob Saget's awesomely disturbing spot in The Aristocrats.

Lifetime Back on Dish

2006-02-02T11:48:00.001-05:00

Dish Network and Lifetime are suching face harder than Harry Hamlin and Valerie Bertinelli did in Night Sins.

Left with no choice after Echostar's brilliant offering to give Lifetime free to any viewer who requests it, the network caved and signed a new long-term agreement with the satellite provider.

In the crafty plan, which they new the network could never agree to, Dish offered to then pay Lifetime individually for each subscriber who asked for the chick channel.

No cable network would ever want to be the first to agree to an a la carte pricing plan. That economic model would mean certain death for a huge number of channels.

Filling In

2006-02-02T11:48:00.000-05:00

ABC News is expected to announce that Diane Sawyer and Charles Gibson will fill in for Bob Woodruff on World News Tonight.

They'll team up with Elizabeth Vargas as he recovers from injuries suffered in a bombing in Iraq.

Just like old times.

Breaking News: Cablevision to Finally Supply FX to TV Geek

2006-02-01T17:29:00.000-05:00

After years of tooth-gnashing, foot-stomping and general bellyaching, the good people (for today, at least) at Cablevision have finally decided to supply my "zone" with FX.

How wonderfully 20th century of them.

Never mind that all the surrounding Cablevision zones have had it for years. My repeated calls to customer service were answered with straight-faced answers like "But instead, we offer you HSN2 and C-Span3!" (They honestly told me that. Twice.)

But for today, there'll be no further Cablevision bashing. They've finally seen fit to supply a cable network I'm able to watch on a friggin' airplane, but not in my living room.

And for that, I'm grateful.

Now, if I could only get their crappy DVR to stop arbitrarily erasing unwatched programs...

Roberts Turns Eye to CNN

2006-02-01T17:23:00.000-05:00

Veteran CBS News White House correspondent John Roberts is leaving the network to join CNN.

The anchor has reportedly felt snubbed by getting little to no consideration to become the heir to the throne formerly occupied by Dan Rather.

Roberts, 49, made his last appearance for CBS News during Tuesday's coverage of the State of the Union address. He'll be a senior national correspondent and substitute anchor for the cable network, beginning February 20th.

Of course, you can't really blame the Eye peeps for shunning the bland Roberts for the big chair, especially when brighter stars like Katie Couric- and Bob Schieffer- are available.

Worst TV President Ever?

2006-02-01T12:43:00.001-05:00

Well, yeah.

After all, only Republican presidents can be portrayed as buffoons in Hollywood- whether real or fictional.

Nielsen Rating on SVU

2006-02-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

Gladiator co-star Connie Nielsen will replace Mariska Hargitay for six episodes on NBC's Law & Order: SVU.

Hargitay's Character Olivia Benson will be sent off on a "specific assignment" as the actress goes on maternity leave this spring.

If It's Sweeps...

2006-02-01T12:24:00.000-05:00

... it must be time for more irritating stunt casting on NBC's Will and Grace.

The lastest one we won't be watching? Britney Spears, of course. She'll appear as a Christian conservative TV host.

Thankfully, Will & Grace is in its eighth and final season.

Giving Elton Head

2006-02-01T12:17:00.000-05:00

Attention Buffy fans: Giles is returning to TV- presumably in a much less reserved way.

British actor Anthony Stewart Head has landed the lead in Him & Us, an ABC comedy inspired by the life of Elton John.

Should be an interesting switch for him...

Book of Daniel Still Open- Online

2006-02-01T12:16:00.000-05:00

There's an afterlife of sorts for NBC's The Book of Daniel, which was crucified by the network for low ratings and bubbling controversy.

The 'Cockers will stream unaired episodes on NBC.com for the next three weeks. Good news for the show's seventeen viewers.

Thanks to Roon for the link.

Hardly in Command

2006-01-30T09:34:00.000-05:00

ABC is yanking its underperforming new drama Commander In Chief to make way for a new comedy. The series, featuring TV's second female president, will be off the air for at least six weeks to make way for ABC's latest attempt at a watchable comedy, Sons and Daughters.

The show, which started off strong in total viewers, was never a hit in the all-important 18-49 demographic and has slipped steadily since its debut.

Network execs, critics and wee bloggers alike all wonder why the show is tanking: was it Rod Lurie's departure? Was it the show's long holiday break?

Or does it just, like, totally suck?

NFL Keeps New 8-Game Package In House

2006-01-30T09:27:00.000-05:00

After months of negotiations, the NFL has awarded its NFL Network the rights to a new, eight-game primetime football package beginning this fall.

The move is ballsy in that the NFL shunned a short-term windfall (usually a given) for a long-term investment in its cable network. The addition of the games will surely help the channel's distribution and ad sales.

Sources said Comcast, NBC Universal, News Corp., Turner Broadcasting, Verizon and a major Internet company were competing for the package, which will begin with a 2006 Thanksgiving game.

2016: Plasma Bowl L

2006-01-30T09:22:00.000-05:00

Experts say flat-panel LCD and plasma displays will be the dominant TV technology by the time Super Bowl L comes around a decade from now.

Damn. I was hoping the brain chip would be available by then. Maybe by Super Bowl LX?

Woodruff Serious But Stable after Catching Iraq Shrapnel

2006-01-30T09:18:00.000-05:00

ABC News anchor Bob Woodruff and camera operator Doug Vogt were in serious but stable condition on Sunday after suffering head injuries when their Iraqi military vehicle was hit by a roadside bomb.

Luckily, both Woodruff and Vogt were wearing body armor, helmets and protective glasses, ABC News said.

Woodruff is the new co-anchor of ABC's World New Tonight.

iPod Squarepants

2006-01-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

Apple continues its quest for personal video domination by adding a bunch of MTV Networks shows to its iTunes store.

The list of 14 shows now available includes SpongeBob SquarePants, South Park, Drawn Together, Punk'd, Dora the Explorer and Jackass.

What, no Viva Variety?

Least Funny Curb Actor Gets Own Show

2006-01-26T19:48:00.000-05:00

Jeff Garlin, who play's larry David's manager on Curb Your Enthusiasm may get his own show on TBS.

Garlin will shoot a pilot of a variety show, called The Jeff Garlin Program, which will be reminiscent of the old Jack Benny Show.

Except, of course, for the fact it probably won't be even remotely funny.

Who's Still Watching Miss America?

2006-01-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

The Miss America Pageant earned the highest ratings ever for her new cable channel- but attracted less than one-third of the viewers she last found on network television.

About 3.1 million people tuned in to Country Music Televisionto see Miss Oklahoma Jennifer Berry crowned the 2006 Miss America Pageant, which was held in Las Vegas for the first time.

While CMT was happy with the pageant's performance, the show did not make the list of the top 40 most watched cable programs aired last week. It was beaten by powerhouses like Jimmy Timmy Powerhour 2, Fairly OddParents and Drake & Josh.

Daniel Hasn't A Prayer

2006-01-25T21:37:00.000-05:00

The Book of Daniel, the controversial drama starring Aidan Quinn as a conflicted Episcopal minister with a Vicodin habit, has been yanked from the NBC schedule after just three weeks on the air.

Besides drawing less-than-godly ratings, the show was criticized by Bible thumpers as being anti-Christian and was pulled from several of NBC's smaller affiliate stations.

The likely truth? NBC decided the controversy wasn't paying off ratings wise. If Daniel was a hit, the network wouldn't care about aggravating some religious righties.

Hey, SVU: May We Suggest...

2006-01-25T20:01:00.000-05:00

Law & Order: SVU star Mariska Hargitay, who’s expecting her first child, will take some time off from the show after the birth.

Our suggestion for a replacement: of course, Eva Longoria.

She'd look smokin' hott in a trenchcoat and a badge.

UPDATE: Dishing Lifetime A La Carte?

2006-01-24T16:44:00.000-05:00

In an ominous move for cable networks in general, Dish Network wants to make Lifetime available to any subscriber who requests it.

Under the proposal, Dish Network wouldn't charging viewers for the channel. Instead, it will pay Lifetime an undisclosed rate for each customer desperate enough to demand their Golden Girls repeats and Meredith Baxter flicks.

Lifetime is unlikely to accept the deal, as they want, as it's called in the biz, "full penetration."

The deal, if accepted, would save Dish millions, and set a new precedent cable networks surely won't like- as it'll take money right from their coffers.

That's All Folks For WB, UPN; New Frankensteined Network To Be Formed From Flaming Wreckage

2006-01-24T13:33:00.000-05:00

Holy shit.

In a huge announcement today seemingly out of nowhere, CBS (owner of UPN) and Time Warner (owner of The WB) say they're merging the two mini-nets to form one giant... uh... mini-net.

Sifting through the press release, they'll seemingly pick and choose the best shows from both networks (all three of them), and run them on the affiliates they deem most desirable.

It actually makes a ton of sense- almost too much sense, in fact.

The WB and UPN, as they're known today, will be kaput as of Fall 2006.

The network will get to pick and choose shows from their current schedules, including America's Next Top Model, Beauty and the Geek, Smallville, Gilmore Girls, Supernatural, Veronica Mars, Everybody Hates Chris, Girlfriends, Reba, and WWE Smackdown

I doubt the "big four" are shaking in their boots. But it's still likely to be more successful than the status quo.

Lifetime Refuses to Do the Dishes

2006-01-24T09:06:00.000-05:00

Lifetime says it has rejected a "take it or leave it" offer from Dish Network to put its networks back on the air.

“The Network For Women”, as it calls itself, is reportedly seeking a 76 percent rate hike from the company, said the offer was “unfair and unreasonable.” Echostar, who owns Dish Network, was actually seeking to cut Lifetime’s fees by a third. Sounds like they ain’t even close.

In fact, Dish has already replaced Lifetime Movie Network- maybe permanently- with competitor Oxygen.

In related news, Valerie Bertinelli’s handlers report her royalty payments have dropped by half since the bitter split.

Losties Get Raises

2006-01-24T08:55:00.000-05:00

The cast of ABC's Lost, fresh off a Golden Globe win for best drama, thas received a substantial raise, in exchange for an additional year to the actors' current contracts.

Under the deal, the actors will earn almost $80,000 each an episode next season, more than doubling their current salary in most cases.

However, the network offered no guarantees about survival for any character, meaning anyone could be killed off at any time.

NBC Ruffles Scheduling Feathers

2006-01-24T08:19:00.000-05:00

NBC is shaking things up again.

After having moderate success with its new Thursday block, more programming changes are afoot. In March, the ‘Cockers will move Law & Order, The Apprentice and Las Vegas to new time slots, among other moves.

The net also announced next-season renewals for My Name Is Earl and The Office, and that they’d likely keep the shows on Thursday night.

Get your scheduling scorecard ready:

NBC officially pulled the plug on The West Wing and Will & Grace.

Crime drama Heist will takes over the Law & Order timeslot, Wednesdays at 10 pm. L&O moves back an hour to 9pm.

Fridays will see the move of Las Vegas to 9pm, while Dick Wolf’s new Conviction will fill the 10pm hole.

Dateline NBC moves to Saturdays at 8 pm.

Howie mandel’s Deal or No Deal, will run for a week beginning February 27th and move to a weekly slot the following week, airing Mondays at 8. At 9, a newly located Apprentice moves in. Fear Factor which switches to Tuesdays at 8.

The network announced no plans for Joey, Thick and Thin or Surface, but did reveal they were planning a summer return of Last Comic Standing.

Got all that?

Graham Crackers: Reasons Why ABC Shitcanned Overly Promoted New Comedy

2006-01-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

Taking heat for the abortive launch of axed-after-one-episode comedy kumquat Emily’s Reasons Why Not, ABC swears it isn’t their fault.

They claimed they were hyping the show without ever seeing a script. After
pummeling viewers with spots, billboards and bus sides, they realized the
show, like, totally sucked serious ass.

As if any vehicle with Heather Graham in the drivers seat had a chance of
being at all watchable.

Of course, if Reasons popped a number, we assume the shows dubious quality
would not be an issue, and the marketing folks would be crowing about their
successful launch.

A total of six episodes were filmed. No determination has been made about
whether they’ll ever air.

West Wing: Lame Show, Lame Duck

2006-01-23T17:44:00.000-05:00

In case the plummeting ratings didn’t make the announcement a foregone conclusion, NBC has officially come out and cancelled The West Wing.

I imagine few will really be upset by this- since drugged-out creator Aaron Sorkin’s departure, the show, by most fans accounts, barely resembled the drama that originally was a huge hit.

Myself, I could never get past the Sorkin-speak. If it wasn’t for that, I could probably have overlooked the show’s thinly veiled political agenda.

Dear God, Somebody Tell Shut Star Jones To Shut The Fuck Up

2006-01-20T13:07:00.000-05:00

Star Jones has the solution to the war on terror.

On The View this week, the loud-mouthed fat ass said she thinks President Bush should sit down and hammer out a deal with Osama Bin Laden, likening the hostilities to nothing more than a dick waving contest.

Her brilliant analysis included this brilliant remark: "At some point, one of these men has to put it back in his pants and zip up the zipper at some point."

Perplexed co-hosts Meredith Viera and Elizabeth Hasselbeck both openly disagreed with Jones.

I'm all for free speech, but Jones has to be one of the least deserving mouthpieces on television. Not that I'd ever willingly watch The View anyway, but as long as she's on it, it's a guaranteed tune-out.

Maybe we could send her over to negotiate a peace settlement. She could be our own little WMD. Bin Laden would surrender after listening to ten minutes of her inane blather.

Confession: My New iPod Video Kept Me From GeekSpeaking

2006-01-18T23:47:00.000-05:00

Man, this device is cool.

But loading songs (with album covers) and ripping DVDs to play on this little fucker has kept me away from TVGS all week. That's just not right. For that, I apologize, and promise to return to my duties immediately.

I know... priorities. But damned if this gizmo ain't the ballsack. How did I live without for so long?

ABC's Reasons Why Not To Make Any More Shows Starring Heather Graham or John Stamos

2006-01-18T21:56:00.000-05:00

Tying the record for shortest tenured prime-time series ever (The Will, anyone?) is nothing to be proud of. But when you're as shitty of an actress as Heather Graham, I guess you take your publicity where you can get it.

ABC has yanked Emily's Reasons Why Not after just one episode. The show, billed as the second coming of Sex and the City (ha!), will grab some bench with Jake in Progress into February sweeps. It's unclear when (if?) either show will return.

What powerhouse programming is ABC replacing these comedic kumquats with in the short term? Get this: a rerun of the anemically performing The Bachelor. Yikes. Why not just throw up some bars and tone?

It's unclear when (if?) either show will return.

Some good news: both shows will have to scoot over and make room for the highly unwatchable Hope and Faith, which is also being iced through the ratings book.

Meanwhile, for Graham and her truly stunning breasts, which should remain unfettered by shirtage or any other cloth-like concealments, should get PT Anderson on the phone and pitch Boogie Nights 2: Rollergirl's Revenge. It's the only thing this writer is interested in watching her in at this point.

A&E: Definitely Not Arts, and Entertainment Is Also Up For Debate

2006-01-12T18:31:00.000-05:00

A&E, a cable network once known for the highbrow, has changed in the last few years. Just in case you hadn't noticed that Growing Up Gotti wasn't exactly Poirot.

Now, the network has announced a few new shows in development. Seems they're aiming a tad lower. Here's the list, complete with GeekSpeak (thanks to the wonderful folks at Cynposis):

A Guy Walks into a Bar: Sketch comedy featuring George "I swear I'm not typecast" Wendt. Don't save me a stool.

Commander Castle: Half hour reality series focused on whacked-out British police consultant. Blimey! Sounds awful!

Driving Force: More reality, giving us a behind the scenes look at drag racer John Force and his daughters. Because there's just not enough of this stuff on the air.

God or the Girl: Four guys must decide between marriage or going into the monestary where they will train to become Roman Catholic priests. Now this one sounds interesting. Don't miss the altar boy lightning round!

Finally a Family: Two sets of parents compete to adopt the same child. Icky and exploitative concept. Surprised Lifetime didn't beat them to it. Why would anyone agree to have their lives televised in this way?

Gene Simmons' Family Jewels: Kiss rocker Gene Simmons hopes to take his clan to Ozzland in this reality knockoff.

King of Cars: Las Vegas car dealer and infomercial king gets a national outlet to hawk his wares.

Polar Posse: Alaskan firefighters and EMS volunteers save lives- if they can find anyone- in our Great White North.

I hope for next year they develop a show that looks behind the scenes as robotic Bill Kurtis gets his batteries changed and his joints oiled... or we get to see that hidden camera footage of despondent A & E execs after losing Law & Order.

Well, at least they're getting the effing Sopranos.

The Chief Export of Chuck Norris is Pain, And Other Facts You Never Knew About Walker, Texas Ranger Himself

2006-01-12T16:34:00.000-05:00

This is hilarious.

The man's a god.

Who knew?